Olaf and Lena

Olaf and Lena were on a baseball bus trip from Fargo, North Dakota to
Minneapolis, Minnesota, to see the Twins baseball game. Thirty miles out of
Fargo, the bus broke down and all passengers had to disembark.

Olaf says to Lena, “Hey, Lena, let’s go over dere in da bushes and have some
fun.” “Oh, no,” says Lena. ” Ve couldn’t do dat.”

They get back on the repaired bus, but the bus breaks down again 50 miles
farther down the road. Again Olaf asks Lena to join him for some fun in the
bushes, but she again refuses.

The bus repaired, they get back on, drive 29 miles more, and again the bus
breaks down, and Olaf asks Lena, “Can we go over dare in da bushes and have some
fun? Lena says, “Ya, ve can do dat.”

So they go over and have their fun. Back on the bus, Olaf asks Lena why she
refused the first two times, but accepted the third time.

Lena replies, “Vell, I heard somebody on the bus say that if dis bus doesn’t
get to Minneapolis pretty soon, the f***ing season will soon be over.”

The butcher and the dog-genius

A butcher in his shop, and he’s real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.”

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. “What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven’s sake !”, to which the guy responds… “Genius me butt – this is the second time this week that he’s forgotton his key!”

Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident but it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

Top 10 Signs You’re Burning Out Because of Work

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”

9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”

8. Your garbage can IS your “in” box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forget often how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through …er…. Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Sightings of the Stupid

Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, “sure.” The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?” I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???”

Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to “rightsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare “double sighting”): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Induhvidual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.” Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

April fools

A man paced nervously back and forth as his wife was in the delivery room. Finally the doctor emerged caring the infant. The man rushes over to the doctor, “Is it a boy or a girl?” he asks.

The doctor doesn’t say a word, he just grabs the baby by the foot, swings the baby around his head and throws it up against a wall.

Outraged the man demands to know, “What the heck are you doing?”

Finally the doctor responds, “April fools, the baby was alredy dead.”