In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
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Lawyer Lines
Why do people love to tell lawyer jokes? There is something about this respected profession that commands our disrespect. One must always be careful about offending lawyers, of course, because you wouldn’t want to face one in court. Or would you? Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain’t so bright after all….
1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
6. “Did he kill you?”
7. “How far apapt were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
20. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.
Annals of Television: Two men
Annals of Television: Two men whose fishing boat sank near Hawaii on Dec.
9 were rescued from a raft this week. “However,” Premiere Morning Sickness
reports, “after hearing that Tom Arnold would be starring in another
sitcom, Richard Enslow and David Summers quickly paddled back out to sea.”
Candybar & Lifespan
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
fat!”
Little Johnny replied. “My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old.” The man asked, “Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6
candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business!”
Biting your fingernails!
Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to
get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to
tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.
“Jimmy,” she said, “You’d better stop biting your fingernails. If you don’t,
then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach
will be huge and full of fingernails.” Jimmy, worried about the idea of
fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.
The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to
check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy
beamed at the pregnant woman and said, “I know what YOU’VE been doing….”
Trouble walking on the beach
A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking.The girlfriend finally said, “Did you hurt your leg or something? You’re walking very strangely.”The blonde replied, “I have a big date tonight and I’ve got curlers in my hair.”
A REALLY Bad Day – True Story!
A REALLY Bad Day
So you think you’re having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!
Stranded on an Island
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on an island. Then they found a magic lamp, and each of them recieved a wish. The brunette wished that she could go home to her family, and the redhead wished the same thing. Finally it was the blondes turn. She wished that her friends could be with her on the island.
Worrier
A lady said, “I’d give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!”
The man said, “You�re on!. Now where is my thousand dollars?”
The lady said, “That is your first worry!”
I’m so fat..
“You know why I’m so fat? Cause every time I fuck your mama, she bakes me
a cake!”
Deaf lady in trouble
One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, “Uh-oh, what have I done now? I’m not speeding. I’m not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!”So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn’t deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, “I know. I’m here to tell you that your horn is stuck.”
I shot my teacher with a 44stud I went to…
I shot my teacher with a 44stud I went to her funrierll heck I went to her grave while everone threw flowers I threw a gernade 5 years later she rose from the dead my friend deven choped off her head