One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth – 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him – yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going. Do you know what the letter said?Oh, so you didn’t get one either?
Author: admin
On A Dark & Stormy Night
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: “The big sissy.”
The Cat
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“One cat just leads to another.”
– Ernest Hemingway
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
– Mary Bly
“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.”
– Unknown
“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.”
– Joseph Wood Krutch
Dickens and the Mart
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, �Olive or twist?�
Horse�s ass
As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While
operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer
about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in
general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket,
and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya, Sir?” Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what
they are — I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer says, “Well, circle
flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re
almost always found circling around the back end of horses.” Bush says, “Oh,”
and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says,
“Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” The farmer
says, “Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about
calling you a horse’s ass.” Grinning broadly, Bush says, “Well, that’s a good
thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer
says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
Student’s prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple or orange or green,
That’s no offense, it’s the freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God’s name is prohibited by the State.
We’re allowed to cuss & dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues & cheeks.
They’ve outlawed guns; but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the unwed daddy, our Senior King.
It’s “inappropriate” to teach right from wrong,
We’re taught that such “judgments” do not belong.
We can get our condoms, & birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires & totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No Word of God must reach this crowd.
It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns, the school’s a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot, My soul please take.
Whats the diffrence between a bad glofer and…
Whats the diffrence between a bad glofer and a bad skydiver.?
A bad golfer goes WACK… Shit!
A bad skydiver goes Shit!… WACK!
EMT response times.
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team�s response times. �Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,� bragged one, �we�ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.�
�Not bad,� the second paramedic commented. �But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.�
�That�s nothing said the third paramedic. �Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we�ve cut our emergency response time in half!�
Right Handle
While making love, the wife noticed her husband trimmed nicely and asked him who did the job. “The saloon down the corner darling” said the husband and added that the price was cheap too, only five dollars. The wife, needing a trim badly, went to the neighbourhood saloon the nest day and ordered her own trimmed. She was happy with the job and handed the man a five dollar bill. “Ten dollars lady” said the man and no less. The wife retorted saying she would pay no more than five dollars, exactly the amount her husband paid the previous day for his trim. “Oh” cried the hair cutter, “it was a man and we charge 5 dollars only from men!” The wife was aghast and asked the reason for the discrepency. The cutter laughed and said “handle lady; men give us the handle making our job easy with them!!”
You’re a redneck … you think the stock
You’re a redneck if …. You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
Haven’t I seen you on TV
Haven’t I seen you on TV
Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me?
Off.
You might be a redneck if… kike
You’ve ever been kicked out of the KIKE for being a “bigot�.