Iba a haber un concurso

Iba a haber un concurso de quien era el hombre que aguantaba m�s latigazos en la espalda.

Llega el norteamericano y lo ponen de espaldas y le empiezan a golpear con el l�tigo: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… “�YA YA YA!” grit� el norteamericano.

Llega el franc�s: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… y 6… y 7… “�YA YA YA!” grita el franc�s.

Finalmente toca el turno del mexicano, pero todo el publico se empieza a re�r por el estado f�sico del mexicano, flaco y chaparro… Entonces se acuesta y empiezan a los latigazos: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4…. y 25… y 36… 56…

De pronto, a lo lejos se escucha la voz de unas personas que dicen: “�QUE VIVA EL MUDITO, QUE VIVA EL MUDITO… QUE VIVA EL MUDITO!!!”

Mexican Bandit

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexicanwith a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.”Take my money, my car but don’t kill me”, said the tourist.”I no kill you if you do what I say,” said the Mexican.”Just unzip your pants and start masturbating,” he ordered.Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. “Right, nowdo it again” said the Mexican.The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managedagain.”And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.”With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effortand fell exhausted.”Good” said the Mexican, “now you give my sister a ride to thenext village.”

Feel the love

One day a woman was walking with her teenage daughter. The daughter asked, “Mom, what exactly is Heaven?”

The woman replied, “Heaven is when a big strong handsome man pulls my panties down or when we go under the sheets at anytime of the day.”

“Then what,” the daughter asked, “is Hell?”

Her mother replied, “That’s what I have to pay when your father walks in while I’m in Heaven.”

What Happiness!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed’s bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, “That’s happiness! That’s happiness!” But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, “That’s a penis?! That’s a penis?!”

Higher Education

The farm had been mortgaged to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, “I have a confession to make, Paw – I ain’t a virgin no more.”The old man shook his head sadly. “After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain’t’!”

Construction Worker

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.” The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”

The doctor says, “Stop wiping with cement bags.”

A young businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear
busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big
deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said,
“Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”

Mars and Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.