14. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Author: admin
Technological Doctor
One day, a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.”
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant….twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
And…. if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
Best Bodypart
A man rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiled at her and she struck up a conversation. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. He broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He proceeded her into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrred at him, “I saw you looking. What would you say is my best feature?”
He cleared his throat several times, looked her up and down and finally managed to squeak out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She was astounded! “Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt — it’s firm doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, he stammered, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming — THAT WAS ME!
Jockstrap Boys
A new look for the Backstreet Boys![[Image]](http://www.jokeindex.com/images/jockstrapboys.jpg)
Submitted by: JuliaNote: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is…
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
New Interns
Two new young interns are hired in the White House.
They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them.
The President walks up and says, “Gee, I’ve never come across your faces before.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Ya Just can’t wipe
Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldn’t resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldn’t climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……”Honey, do you notice anything different about me???”She took one look at him, and said “Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.”
Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm,
the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the
chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in
there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the
chauffeur says, “Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast
and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!” “Well, what
did you say?!” cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. “Oh, I told them that I was Rush
Limbaugh’s chauffeur and I’d just killed the pig.”
Florida
Maggie and sarah(two blondes)were driving to Florida,they saw a sign that said “Florida Left” so the two blondes went back home.
Just A Juggalo
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. “Sir,” the cop says.”Why do you have all those knives?””They’re for my juggling act,” the man says.”I don’t believe you,” says the cop.”Prove it.” So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.”Man,” says the first guy.”I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”
Frist-Graders
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave
each child in the class the first half ot the proverb, and asked
them to come up with the rest. Hers are the children’s responses.
Better to be safe than…………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the………………….bug is close.
It is always darkest before………..daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of……termites.
You can lead a horse to water but…..how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………..looks dirty.
No news is……………………….impossible.
A miss is as good as a…………….Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog…………math.
If you lie down with dogs, you……..will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust…………………..me.
The pen is mighter than……………the pigs.
An idle mind is…………………..the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there’s………pollution.
Happy is the bride who…………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is………………….not much.
Two is company, three’s……………The musketeers.
None are so blind as………………Helen Keller.
Children should be seen not………..spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed………get new batteries.
When the blind lead the blind………get out of the way.
There is no fool like……………..Aunt Edie.
Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and………………………..you have to blow your nose.
Get out of something what you………see pictured in the box.
Immature Wife
My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my little boats!