You’re so bald that I can see what’s on your mind!
Author: admin
Stranded on an island
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island. They reallize their only chance of survival is to swim 500 meters to shore so the redhead tries first but only gets 200 meters and drowns. Then the brunette tries and gets 300 meters and drowns. Finally the blonde gives it a go she gets 250 meters out and says, ” O crap its too far!” then she swims back to the island.
Dentro de un ascensor se
Dentro de un ascensor se estaba jugando un partido de futbol.
Desde afuera se escuchaba: “�Haga el pase, t�quela, cr�cela, cabecee, am�guele, lev�ntela!”
De un momento a otro se escuch�: “�GOOOOOOOOOOL, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!”
Todos los jugadores del equipo voltean a mirar al arquero de una forma inquisitiva. Este, vi�ndolos con cara de preocupaci�n, les dice:
“�PERO QUE, NO VEN QUE ME DEJARON SOLO?”
Bride Joke
Q. Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
A. Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.
How to Busy a Blonde
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Baby on the bus
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The busdriver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.”The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.””You’re right” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.””That’s a good idea” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Fish Market
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and
he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and
said, “Hello ladies!”
Famous Last Words
- You’ll be perfectly safe behind this lead shield
- That’s not smoke, that’s steam
- Of course it’s sterile
- We should have enough gas to make it to higher ground
- The IRS expects you to cheat. Everybody does it !
- It’s so tame, you can put your head in its mouth
- Relax, I can get ya outta this easy. No sweat !
- It was fresh just last week
- These are the safe kind of mushrooms
- It should be OK to swim in
- He’s been a perfectly safe driver, ever since the accident
- My wife’s not at all jealous. We have an “open” marriage
- Clip the red wire first
- These Jury trials never last more than a day or so
- It’s unplugged, go ahead and remove the cover
- It’s OK to format this disk
- They don’t bother tourists, their economy depends on us
- It’s supposed to make that noise
- That law’s been on the book for years; they don’t even enforce it
- It doesn’t look like the bridge is out
- Besides, they only attack when they’re hungry
- The boss won’t mind; anyway, he’ll never know
- It shouldn’t take long to reach the Airport from here
- I’m sure I turned my lights off
- I bet I can fit in there
- The law requires regular safety inspections, don’t worry
- Hey! Relax! I’ve done this hundreds of times
- That’s only a puddle, go ahead, keep driving
- He’s bluffing ! That’s a toy gun
- Don’t worry, I’m always bringing people home for dinner
- Let me assure you, this operation is routine
- Those warning labels are only to avoid lawsuits
- I’ve seen it done on TV HUNDREDS of times
Newly weds
About to be newlywed and still a virgin, a man asks his best of pals for help on the big night.
Since it would be foreseeably disasterous to merely lend advice, the men agree to have the friend stay in the next room of a suggested hotel.
“The walls are paper thin, we’ll be able to talk when you come to the bathroom.”
So the big night comes, and the men are ready.
First entering the room, the groom excuses himself, and heads for the bathroom.
“Hey, you there?”
“Yeah, now…”
During this time, the bride had to use the bathroom something awful, but wanted to leave her husband room to do whatever it was that was taking so long.
Beginning to pace, she waits.
” … Now, just aim for the hole, and follow my advice, and everything should be fine. ”
As they chatted more, the bride couldn’t hold it any longer, and dragged out a shoe box.
Finally making her stomach feel better, she quickly shoves the shit box back under the flimsy bed, and awaits her husband who’s just walking out of the bathroom, naked and ready.
Hoping to be romantically daring, he jumps on the bed, which causes it to collapse.
The shoe box explodes and he screams, “Oh shit!”
To which the pal in the bathroom next door yells, “Wrong hole!”
Submitted by whisperin_bullhorn
Edited by Calamjo
Model Nun
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!””But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.”That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong”.”Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.”I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”.”Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.”Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.””Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.”Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.”A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:”Yo, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”
Will you rember me??
Hey bob,”Will you rember me tomorrow??” “Yes” “Will you rember me
next week??” “Yes” “Will you rember me next month??” “Yes” “Will
yoiu rember me next year??” “Yeah” “Knock Knock” “Whos There??”
“See, you forgot me already!!!!!!”
Sing to Walking in a Winter Wonderland
Sing this to the tune “walking in a winter wonderland!
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!