Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
– His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Author: admin
Phone Trouble
Question:
Why cant a blonde dial 911?
Answer:
She can’t find the eleven!
Naughty Kids…
Q…What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
A…Brothel Sprouts!
Bossing Jeeves around
A rich couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, and came home early. As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. ‘Jeeves. Take off my dress.’ He does this carefully.’Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter.’ He silently obeys her. ‘Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties.’As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him…… ‘Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!’
Betcha $500
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”
“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”
“Not a chance!” replies the barkeep.
“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”
So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, “I WIN…told you it’ll be there before your dog!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Applying for Social Security
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
Technical Support
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above
this field.”
“You must work in Technical Support,” says the balloonist.
“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically
correct, but completely useless.”
The man below says: “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going,
but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were
before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Knock Knock 40
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Congo!
Congo who?
Congo out, I’m grounded!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Conyers!
Conyers who?
Conyers please open the door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cook!
Cook who?
Cuckoo yourself, I don’t come here to be insulted!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Costa!
Costa who?
Costa lot!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cozy!
Cozy who?
Cozy who’s knocking!
Call for backup
A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”
Policeman
What to not say to the nice policeman.I can’t reach my license unless you
hold my beer.Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged
in.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?Hey, you must’ve been doing about
125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.I was going to be a cop, but I decided
to finish high school instead.Bad cop! No doughnut!You’re not gonna check the
trunk, are you?Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.Didn’t I see you
get your butt kicked on Cops?Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on
my girlfriend’s nightstand.Is it true that people become cops because they are
too dumb to work at McDonald’s?I pay your salary!So, uh, you on the take or
what?Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.I was
trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around–that’s
how far ahead of me they are.What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re
the trained specialist.Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my
gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared
to this .44 magnum!Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity
searches?
Xtremely Rude! (Adults Only)
Q: What’s so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she’ll swallow.
Q: Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell’s Angel with a Jehovah’s Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she’s given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.
Q. What’s the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing!
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson’s ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand…
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Q: What’s a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue’s still in the envelope.
Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can’t beat a blow job.
Nothing is as easy as
Nothing is as easy as it looks.