Woman Never Say…

8. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don’t care if it’s on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

Mars and Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

Men wish women knew

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up – put it down.3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.4. Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.5. Get rid of your cat.6. Sunday = Sports.7. Anything you wear is fine – really.8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.9. You have too many shoes.10. Crying is blackmail.11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.14. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers.15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.18. If you don’t dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don’t expect us to act like the soap opera guys.19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.23. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.24. You have enough clothes.25. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex.

Mexican Bandit

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexicanwith a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.”Take my money, my car but don’t kill me”, said the tourist.”I no kill you if you do what I say,” said the Mexican.”Just unzip your pants and start masturbating,” he ordered.Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. “Right, nowdo it again” said the Mexican.The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managedagain.”And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.”With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effortand fell exhausted.”Good” said the Mexican, “now you give my sister a ride to thenext village.”

What Happiness!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed’s bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, “That’s happiness! That’s happiness!” But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, “That’s a penis?! That’s a penis?!”