Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it’s ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Author: admin
In looking at a drop
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope,
we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
To save lives
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A
pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this
stuff?”
“To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does
physics save lives?” he persisted.
“It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,” replied the professor.
Full Stop
A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche
after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and
registration please?”
“What’s the problem, officer?”
“Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”
“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me”.
“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution.”
“you gotta be kidding me!”
“It’s no joke, sir”.
“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution.”
“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete
stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and. . .”
“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What’s the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?”
“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!”
“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming to a complete stop.”
The police officer had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened
the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
“Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”
Tee Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.””Forget it, man,” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’schance in hell of hitting her from here!”
Cold water
A man comes home to his fathers house for vacation. He comes in the door and steps over the new dog. That night, while eating dinner, the man notices that the dishes are still dirty. So he tells his father.His father replies
“Thats as clean as cold water can get em”
So he just finishes eating, as normal.A week goes by and the man is ready to leave, but the dog is in the way.The old man says
” Get out of the way cold water”
In Canada there are two Seasons……
In Canada there are two Seasons…
six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Value!Value who?Value be
Knock KnockWho’s there?Value!Value who?Value be my Valentine?
Raking Leaves
Q.How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree!
Mooning
Consider yourself E-Mooned! 🙂 ,,,, ,,,, ..ooo*””**oooooo*””*ooo.. . o*” ”*oooo*” ” * o. . o” ”o” ”o o o *o .o o ‘o o o o. o o o o o/ o o –0– o o. /o .o ”o o o”’ oo o oo oo. oo oo ‘ooo. .oo ooo ”o ””oo,, ,,oO-‘O,, ,,,,,,.. oo” o o. ”””””” oo ””””” .o ‘o oo o’ *o oo o ‘o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o oYou have been E-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour andyou will be blessed with people laughing at your E-mail. HappyE-mooning!!! This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don’t mail it out, youwon’t have bad luck. (But who wouldn’t want to E-moon a friend?)
You’re a redneck … the health inspector visits
You’re a redneck if ….
The Health Inspector visits your mother�s restaurant and asks to see the body
fluid clean up kit, and she points at the dog.
Chilli Cookoff
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
“Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chilli # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chilli # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chilli # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen’s Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: ————– (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)