Knock KnockWho’s there?Bach!Bach who?Bach of sweets!
Author: admin
RESPECT
A Professor, who was lecturing in class happen to realise that one of his student lack respect.infact he grew upset with him and he ask him to stood in present of the class, and he said i quote ” you don,t have single respect in you”. Infact, the girl said in reply by saying, sir i have red skirt just that i forgot to bring i talong with me while i was coming to lecture. therefore the Professor could not even wait to laugh because the level of his student understanding is disastrous.
$50 bet
This guy wlaks into a bar and tells the bartender that he can piss in a cup that is on the other side of the room and not get a single drop on the floor.
The bartender didn’t think he could do it, so he bet the guy $50. The guy pulled his pecker out and started pissing all over the place. He got it on the pool tables, the bar and everywhere else you can imagine. The bartender looks at the man and said, “You just lost $50”. The guy said yeah, but this man outside just bet me $100 that I wouldn’t come in here and piss on everything.
Technological Doctor
One day, a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.”
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant….twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
And…. if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
Just like a baby
A man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious.
The man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby’s.
He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn’t matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.
She said that she loved him and size didn’t matter.
Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel.
The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting.
As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
“Don’t worry honey,” he said.
She took her nightgown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.
He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.
As he took his pants off the new bride said, “Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby!”
“It is,” he said. “9 pounds and 21 inches long!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Children’s Books?
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”
“Dad’s New Wife Timothy”
“Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games”
“Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets”
“The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad”
“Babar Meets the Taxidermist”
“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
“The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”
“Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse”
“The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy”
“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
“The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”
“Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear”
Iraqi TV Schedule
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule ************************************
MONDAYS:
8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 – “Allah McBeal”
TUESDAYS:
8:00 – “Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
8:30 – “The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 – “When Kurds Attack”
9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah”
9:30 – “Just Shoot Me”
10:00 – “Veilwatch”
THURSDAYS:
8:00 – “Matima Loves Chachi”
8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 – “Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”
FRIDAYS:
8:00 – “Everybody Loves Saddam Or He’ll Have Them Shot”
8:30 – “Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other”
9:00 – “Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Achmed’s Creek
10:00 – “Matlock”
Vacation To Rome
A man walks in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As
he snips away, Joe asks, “What’s up?” The man explains he’s
taking a vacation to Rome.
“ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a
crowded dirty city! You’d be crazy to go to Rome. So how ya
getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” the man replies. “TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re
a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food is terrible
and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?”
The man says, “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump?” says Joe. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The
rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re
overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?”
The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see
the Pope.” “Ha! That’s rich!” laughs Joe. “You and a million
other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on the trip. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe
says, “well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave
you the worst flight of your life!”
“No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on
time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they
bumped us up to first class.”
“Hmmm,” Joe says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
described.”
“No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential
suite for no extra charge!”
“Well,” Joe mumbles, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope!”
“Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so
kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he
spoke a few words to me.”
Impressed, Joe asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?”
“Oh, not much really. Just ‘Where’d you get that awful haircut?'”
No Wool Downstairs
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute’s terms.When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.The man shouted, “What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.”The prostitute snapped back, “What do you want to do, knit or have sex?”
Dead Husband
Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Life Science Final
The student*not necessarily a well-prepared student*sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
“Give four advantages of breast milk. “What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best.
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good…maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again,what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed
again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he
scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
The General’s Valet
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it-you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”