Knock KnockWho’s there?Rena!Rena who?Rena this bell doesn’t do any good!
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How to put an elepha
HOW TO PUT AN ELEPHANT INTO A REFRIGERATOR: Analysis: 1) Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig. 2) Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3) Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1) First factorize, second multiply. 2) Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in.Algebra: 1) Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig. Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition. 2) Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant.Topology: 1) Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out. 2) Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle. 3) The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant. 4) The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That’s usually good enough. 5) The property of being inside the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant’s mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator. 6) For those who object to method 3 because it’s cruel to animals. Put the elephant’s BABY in the refrigerator.Algebraic topology: Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3.Linear algebra: 1) Put just its basis and span it in the refrig. 2) Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x.Affine geometry: There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator.Set theory: 1) It’s very easy! refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c.Geometry: Declare the following: Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator.Complex analysis: Put the refrig. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion.Numerical analysis: 1) Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term. 2) Work it out using the Pentium.Statistics: 1) bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say “Done.”2) dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig.3) Our NEW study shows that you CAN’T put the elephant in the refrigerator.
VD at the Dentist?
Terribly agitated, Richard rushed into his dentist’s examining room and ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his dick.”Richard, Richard,” said the dentist, taken aback.”I’m a dentist. If you think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor.” “It’s not V.D.,” gasped Richard, “and you’ve gotta help me. There’s a tooth stuck in it.”
Who won the race?
Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.
Which of the two will get there first?
The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!
Easy Ways to Say No
I’d love to, but…
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
9 it wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I’m building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
12 I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there’s a disturbance in the Force.
14 I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
16 I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I’m in training to be a household pest.
23 I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I’m sandblasting my oven.
27 I’m worried about my vertical hold.
28 I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I’m being deported. 30 the grunion are running.
31 I’ll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I’m taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it’s too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I’m having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
55 I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”
56 I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I’m touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down.
64 I’m too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship.
69 I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I’m trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
76 I’m wriding a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I’m going to be old someday.
81 I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I’m observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I’m trying to cut down.
101 … well, maybe.
A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding
A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, “Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?”
Jenna replies, “No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been
eating doughnuts?
3 Men in Heaven
3 men went up to heaven and St.Peter said, “Whatever you do
don’t step on a cloud.” So the first guy is walking along and he
steps on a cloud and he gets this really ugly girl on his back.
The other two said, “What happened?” He said, “I stepped on a
cloud.” Then the second guy is walking and he steps on a cloud
and the same thing happens. The guys said, “What happened?” He
said, “I stepped on a cloud. So then the third guy steps on a
cloud and he gets this beautiful girl on his back. The other two
went, “Hey that’s not fair how did that happen?” The girl said,
“I stepped on a cloud.”
Aliens
Two aliens came down to earth to do some research on humans and
to test out their new super weapon too. They land in a desert
and start walking down a dirt road.
They come up to a telephone pole, “Speak earthling or I will
shoot you,” says the alien. Now of course the phone pole
didn’t utter a word, so the alien shot it. Little peices of
wood flew everywhere. They then went on.
The aliens then came up to a mailbox. “Speak earthling or I’ll
shoot you,” says the alien again. Well the mailbox didn’t say a
word, so it got blasted to itty bitty pieces of metal. The
journey continued. This time the aliens came up to a gas pump.
“Speak earthling or I’ll shoot you,” said the alien. Now of
course the gas pump didn’t say a word, so the alien raised his
gun to fire. “Wait!” yelled his little alien buddy, “give this
one another chance.”
The alien decides that this is fair and tells the gas pump
again,” Speak earthling or I’ll shoot you.” And again the pump
says nothing.
So the alien shoots it, it erupts into a huge ball of flames and
hurles the aliens back to their spaceship.
Dazed, the alien asks his friend ,” How did you know not to
shoot that one?”
“Well,” he answers, ” I figure any earthling who can wrap his
dick around his body twice and then stick it in his ear must be
a bad son of a bitch!”
Graffiti in the USA
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s
Get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
* Rest stop off Route 81, WV
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
* Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married!
God is dead. – Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. – God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, NY
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going
to have trouble with it.
* Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
You’re too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly
Hills,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly
Hills, CA
~~~~~ and from the once famous Bird House, Bird Creek, AK
(before it burnt down; south of Anchorage) — hello Leroy!
These candy bars taste like cotton.
For sale or trade: one blind crab for one without teeth.
Birthdays come only once a year … I’m glad I’m not a birthday.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
We aim to please: aim too please.
Is intercourse here to stay, or are people just screwing around?
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Help stamp out graffiti.
Graffiti is the ‘handwriting on the wall’
Confuses say many who shits in the woods finds flies on his return.
Eat Shit: a billion flies can’t be wrong.
Eat Sheep: a thousand Utah coyotes can’t be wrong.
Wife's Habit
I overheard a friend telling his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.””What is she doing?”, the pal asks.”Waiting for me to get home.”
Facing Bloomingdale’s
Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.
Taxation with representation isn’t so hot,…
Taxation with representation isn’t so hot, either.