Q. Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?A. They were originally made for children – but the father always gets to play with them.
Author: admin
A Round of Golf
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” “No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
Your mama’s so poor
Your mama’s so poor… The mice tripped her and the roaches stole her
wallet.
Your mama’s so poor… When you asked her what was for dinner she put her
feet on the table and said corn.
your mama’s so poor that… When I came over the roaches and her were
singing “We are family… and I got all my roaches with me.”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
THE FROG
Q: Whats a frogs favorite drink?
A: Croak-a-Cola
Money isn’t …
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
THAT LITTLE ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy was driving along a street when his car broke down. Then he notice a house with an old man and his beatiful sexy daughter inside. The guy went over to the old guy and asked him if he could spend the night at his house. Then the old guy said yes but the old guy said “Ionly have one rule this house is taht you shall not have sex with my daughter.” Then the guy said yea sure why not man. Then at dinner when the old guy went to get dessert the daughter said would you like to go to my room for a little smacking the pod. Then the guy said “OK.” THen the daughter went up then ten minutes later the guy went up. Then he went to her room and got it on. When they were finished he said “That was the best BJ that i have ever had in my whole life.” Then he said thnak you then she said your welcome . Then he went to his room and went to bed. In the morning he woke up and saw a rock on top of his sheets and said “What the fuck is that doing there?” Then he took the rock and through it out of the window quickly notice a string and the string said attach to right nut then he said oh shit. Then he cut the string, then he said thank god, then he throws his covers off of him and notice another string what the fuck is up with these strings then he takes the string and throws it out the window and just when gets up and goes to his door he notices another string and the string said string tied to left nut. Then he says oh shit oh shit, then he runs to the window and jumps out of the window and notices another string and the string said string tied to branch tied to dick.
There were 8 people in a plane that was about…
There were 8 people in a plane that was about to crash and after searching the plane they only found 7 parachutes. The 8 people in the plane were Bill Clinton, Hillory Clinton, Micheal Jordan, Cindy Crawford, George Bush, Bill Gates, Osama Bin Ladin, and a little boy. Bill Clinton took a parachute and said, I am the best president America ever had I deserve to live and he jumped. Hillory Clinton took a parachute and said I’m the worlds most ambitious woman, I deserve to live and jumped. Micheal Jordan took a parachute and said I’m the worlds best basketball player I deserve to live and he jumped. Cindy Crawford took a parachute and said I’m the worlds prettiest woman I deserve to live and she jumped. George Bush took a parachute and said I’m the smartest man in the world I deserve to live and he jumped. Bill Gates took a parachute and said I’m the richest man in the world to live, I deserve to live and he jumped. Now there was only Osama Bin Ladin and the litle boy left. Osama said I’m old and have lived my life, you take the parachute I’ll die. The boy replied, no there are enough parachutes left. How asked Osama the boy replied George Bush the smartest man in the world jumped with my backpack!!!!
Nice Research
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study.
The Poles didn’t really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
MIT Grad Jobs
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a new company car leased every two years … perhaps, a red Corvette?”The young engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”The interviewer replied,”Yeah, but you started it.”
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid
10. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard and I’ll put the hurt on you.”
2. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”
1. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”
Deep Thoughts
Some DEEP THOUGHTS to start off your week with:
. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?
. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
. Clones are people two.
. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?
. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.
. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
. I went to a store which said open 24 hours and he was closing. When I
asked why he said, “We’re open 24 hours, but not in a row.”
. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
. Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?
. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?