Author: admin

Useful Unusual Insults…

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He’s as sharp as a beach ball.

Stupidity doesn’t count as a handicap, park elsewhere.

I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to
duel with and unarmed person.

The proctologist called!…they found your head!

His elevator won’t go to the top.

She’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

People would follow him,but only out of morbid curiosity.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might
leave a stain.

If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic!

Everyone has a photographic memory you just don’t have film.

You couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field of
clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating
dance.

Just because your head is pointed, that doesn’t mean you’re
sharp.

May your life be like toilet paper–long and useful.

If my dog looked as ugly as you, I’d shave its butt and teach
him to walk around backwards!

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, you’re abusing the privilage.

All foam, no beer.

Bush and Powell Plan World War III

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Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell?”

The barman said, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walked over and said, “Hello. What are you guys doing?”

Bush said, “We’re planning World War III.”

The guy asked, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush said, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.”

The guy exclaimed, “Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!”

Bush turned to Powell and said, “See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!”

Too Big For Me

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A couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary, and really doing it up the same as 25 years ago. They renewed their vows with the same minister who had married them, had a reception in the same hall and went to the same hotel for their second honeymoon. They were even in the same room as they were getting undressed for bed, she said to him, “Isn’t this romantic? I don’t want to change anything.” He said: “Well. There is one thing I would like to change. Remember how the first time you saw me naked you cried because it was so big? Well, honey, after twenty-five years of marriage and three children, now it’s my turn.”

Deer hunting

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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos,Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!”

Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer now!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady! You can
have your f#@ken deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Man & His Wife

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A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over. The man says, “What’s the problem officer?

Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you were going 80.” Man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: “I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for months.” Man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: “I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”

Man turns to his wife and yells, “Bitch, shut your damn mouth”

The Officer turns to the woman and says, “Ma’m,does your husband talk to you this way all the time?? Wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

Number One Customer

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During a job application, a boss of a successful company has
space to hire only one more employee, but he has a tie between
three people.

The boss places all of them in one room. He orders the first guy
to tell him something about himself and to also give a reason
why he shouldn’t hire either of the other two guys.

The first guy says, “I have experience in selling goods. All I
know is the third guy has a serious drug problem.”

The boss moves onto the second person and says the same thing.
The second guy replies, “I use to import and export goods. I
believe the third guy started using drugs from high school.”

The boss walks up to the third person and asks, “Do you know the
other two candidates for this job claim you are a drug addict?
Is this so?”

The third guy hesitates and answers, “Yes, but you can tell the
both of them right now they’ve lost their number one customer!”

Enfurecido porque los animales no

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Enfurecido porque los animales no lo reconocen como el Rey de la Selva, Tarzan empieza a cuestionar y a golpear a cada animal que sale a su paso:

“�Qui�n es el Rey de la Selva?”, le pregunta a la jirafa.

“El le�n”.

Entonces, el Hombre Mono comienza a golpearla, al tiempo que vuelve a preguntar:

“�Qui�n es el Rey de la Selva?”

“�T�, t� eres el Rey de la Selva!”, contesta asustada la jirafa.

Y as� continua con todos los animales de la selva, hasta que se encuentra al elefante; pero �ste no responde. Tarzan insiste y comienza a golpearlo:

“�Qu� qui�n es el Rey de la Selva, te estoy preguntando!”

Fastidiado, el paquidermo le responde los golpes a Tarzan. Espantado el Hombre Mono balbucea:

“�Pinche elefante, si no sabes qui�n es, pregunta!”

The Top 14 Atheist Holiday Songs

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14> O Little Town of Birmingham

13> I Don’t Fear What You Fear

12> Oh, Krispy Kreme

11> Angels I Have Heard While High

10> Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear

9> Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful!

8> Silent Night. Total F**king Silence.

7> Hark! The Victoria’s Secret Angels Jiggle

6> We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas

5> Livin’ La Vida Loca — not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT!

4> Whose Kid is This?

3> O Stoli Night

2> Amway — I’m a Manager

1> Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?

[ The Top 5 List ] [ Copyright by Chris White ]

Bras

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A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?”

“There are three types.” Replies the clerk,

“The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?”

The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain’s out of mole hills.”