Author: admin

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, “There’s some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half”.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Canada, sir”.

“Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Canada!!”

The boy replied, “Really?? What team did she play for?”

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. “Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault,” says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

“You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don’t drink wine to represent Christ’s blood.” The catholic preacher responds, “Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.” “I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let’s drink a little right now while waiting for the cops.”

“Oh, no I couldn’t, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. “That wasn’t that bad, you’re right,” the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn’t drank his wine, he asks, “Aren’t you going to have some?”

“Oh sure,” the other replies, “I’ll wait until after the cops come though.”

A woman in her 90’s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a
100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance
to the new recruits, and then said:

“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and
you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of
$6000.”

“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send
into battle first?

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l has a problem. I have
these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in
with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots
will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female
parrots will learn to worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female
parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads
and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the
bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”The man groaned but didn’t budge.The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.Finally, they summoned the police.The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?””Sam,” the man moaned.”Where ya from, Sam?”With pain in his voice Sam replied “… the balcony.”