Recently I answered the phone and it was a sales person from a long
distance company. They asked for my late father by name.
“I’m sorry,” I answered, “but he’s dead.”
Their reply, “May I leave a number in case the situation changes?”
Author: admin
Magic lamp gone badly wrong!
A man walks into a bar with a leather bag and says to the barman will you give me a free drink if i show you something really amazing and the barman says it depends how amazing it is so the man goes in his bag and pulls out a mini piano and the barman says no thats not amazing enough and he goes no i havent finished yet so he puts in his hand and pulls out a mini man and the barman says yeah that is worth a free drink but where did you get the man and he pulls out a magic lamb and says if you close your eyes and make a wish it will come true so the man closes his eyes and makes a wish but nothing happens the all of a sudden the pub is full of ducks there are everywhere on the ceiling on the tables and a man comes over from a table and says what did you wish for and the man says i actually wished for 100 bucks and the man with the lamb says what did you thing you would get a 10 inch peinist.
Circumvented
President Bush nominated John Bolton as the new ambassador to the U.N.
He did it while the Senate was in recess.
Democrats say President Bush circumvented the system to get his way.
President Bush says that’s ridiculous. I’ve never circumvented anything, I’m not even Jewish.
Because it was a double-crosser
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Really dumb
1. Whats brown and stickey
a stick!
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2. Whats big and says bus
a bus!
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3. Whats pink and fluffy
pink fluff!
Baby
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push.
She does and the baby’s head pops out.
The doctor says, “Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes.”
To which she replies “Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again.
This time the baby’s body comes out.
“Holy Shit, your baby has a white body,” the doctor says.
“Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out.
“Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs,” the doctor said.
“Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry.
The doctor turns to the woman and asks, “How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?”
The woman replies “I’m just glad it didn’t bark!”
Baby Bear
It is the start of spring and baby bear emerges from his cave
looking a wreck. He’s skin and bones; his body is shaking; his
legs can barely support him and his eyes have huge bags
underneath them.
Seeing him, mother bear asks: “What happened, baby bear? Didn’t
you hibernate like I told you to?”
To which baby bear replies: “Hibernate?! Shit! I thought you
said masturbate!”
Boating Trip
A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores
of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast
Guard.
“I always knew God would take care of us,” said the composed five year
old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.
“I like to hear you say that,” beamed the mother. “Always remember that God is
in his heaven watching over us.”
“Oh, I wasn’t talking about that God,” the five year old interrupted.
“I was talking about the COAST God.”
Nerd at beach
A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, “How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?”
The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, “Tell you what – why don�t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you�ve got something really big and hard down there, and they�ll want you.”
So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can�t understand what�s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, “What am I doing wrong? You said they�d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!”
Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, “You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!”
Taliban Press Release
At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Ben Dover, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers and taxi-cab drivers.
You Know You Are Too Serious About Computers…
1) When you add a third modem to your dedicated phone line.
2) When you access Microsoft’s web page every Sunday for brother
Bill’s Sermon.
3) When that 3Gb hard drive is full.
4) When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer
peripherals.
5) If you have an “online” light installed on your car to tell
you when the engine is running.
6) When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere,
you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
7) If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner
of envelopes.
8) If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
9) When you insist on seeing the movie “The Net” for the 43rd
time.
10) If you maintain more than 6 e-mail address.
11) If you use more than 20 passwords.
12) If you set up your own web page.
13) If you set up a web page for each of each member of your
family, including the pets.
14) If, instead of a phone number, ask for a person’s e-mail
address.
15) When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather
Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out
the window.
16) When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.now@home.
17) If you have a heart attack when you forget to pay your phone
bill and recieve a “pending disconnection of service” notice.
18) When you order ALL of what you buy, including food, online.
19) If your fingers quit moving because you’ve been online for
36 hours.
20) When you find yourself going out with someone you’ve never
met, except through e-mail.
21) When you log-off from a session in you favorite newsgruop
and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
What Is Your Sex?
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” “I don’t know,” replied
the other baby giggling. “What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the
first baby. “Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling. “I’ll climb into
your crib and find out.” He carefully maneuvered himself into the other
baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple
of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. “You’re a little
girl, and I’m a little boy” he said proudly. “You’re ever so clever,”
cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?’ “It’s quite easy really,”
replied the baby boy, “You’ve got pink booties and I’ve got blue ones.”
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!