Author: admin

Downsizing

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A small business owner was faced with the problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he fired one of his employees. He looked in his files and saw that he had two new employees; one named Jill, and the other named Jack.

Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that he would fire the first one he saw taking a break.

About ten minutes later he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler. He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, “Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I’m going to either have to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill looked at her employer and said, “Well, you’re going to have to jack off. I have a headache.”

Nasty Bug

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Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee’d in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn’t drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. “What can I do?” he pleaded.

“Not much” answered the doctor. “There’s just a nasty bug going around.”

54

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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
reads:
Dear Wife (that’s what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18.

The AP reports

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The AP reports that close associates of the Clintons concede that following
the president’s confession of infidelity, his relationship with Hillary has
turned rather “frosty”…

This contrasts with the president’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky, which
never seemed “frosty,” but did resemble a slurpee or a big gulp.

The Magic Mirror

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A bruenet, a red head and a blonde walked into a shop hoping to find something outrageous and really cheap. they walk in and ask the counter person what they have on special, he replies I have an old old mirror that is for free, but it is Magic. The red head asks how it works and the shop counter says if you say something true to it you will get that times 10, but if you say a lie you will vanish forever. So they thought ok lets get it so they brought it back to their house and the bruenet walks up to it and says I think I am the most richest person in the world and she vanishes, the red head walks up to it and says I think I am the most prettiest woman in the world and vanishes, the blonde walks up to the mirror and says I think and vanishes.

Dos ni�os de 5 a�os

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Dos ni�os de 5 a�os estaban orinando y uno le dice al otro:

“�Porqu� tu pene es tan raro?”

“Porque me circuncidaron.”

“�Y qu� quiere decir eso?”

“Que me cortaron el pellejito del pene.”

“�Y qu� edad ten�as cuando te lo hicieron?”

“Mi mam� me dijo que dos d�as.”

“�Y no te doli�?”

“Por supuesto que s�, �no pude caminar en un a�o!”

Two Little Old Ladies

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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea!
What is it that you put over your cigarette?”
The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”
“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”
“One that would fit a Camel.”

Charlie Brown in the 90’s

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Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90’s:

We learn about VD in:
“IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN”

Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
“I’M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!”

Is Linus gay?
“ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN”

Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:
“OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?”

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:
“NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!”

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
“IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN”

What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen’s twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego “Mr. Clean” in:
“GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN”

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
“ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!”

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
“WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?”

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:
“GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN”

Peppermint Patty ‘goes to town’ on Marcie in:
“WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?”