To My Critics
When I am in a sober mood
I worry, work and think
When I am in a drunken mood
I gamble, fight and drink
But when all my moods are over
And the world has come to pass
I hope they bury me upside down
So the world can kiss my ass
Author: admin
The Top 12 Signs It’s Been a VERY Cold Winter
12> Richard Hatch starts wearing a Speedo.
11> You momentarily consider taking refuge in a theater showing a David Arquette movie.
10> You tried to write your name in the snow and it took the fire department and four ambulances to get you free.
9> You’ve lost half a dozen friends to trip-and-shatter accidents.
8> Look at that photo of Janet Jackson *very* closely.
7> Donald Trump’s hair is re-zoned as a homeless shelter.
6> Strangely, you don’t mind sleeping next to Hillary.
5> It’s a downright relief to be in a nice, warm jail cell compared to that icy spider-hole.
4> That’s no lawn ornament — that’s the paperboy!
3> Fire department rescues of people stuck to metal poles were up 40% in schoolyards and 75% in strip joints.
2> Your door has been blocked by snow for three weeks, and you live on the third floor. In Phoenix.
1> Your testicles just sent you a postcard from Miami.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
What a Great Dog
A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. “That’s a strange looking dog you have there,” he said.
“Yes, he is rather,” said the newcomer, “but he’s a great fighter.”
“Is he now? I bet he isn’t as good a fighter as my Fang here.”
“All right – how much do you wanna bet?”
“Ten dollars.”
“You’re on.”
So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master’s side.
“I’d never thought I’d see Fang get defeated,” said the loser’s master, handing over the ten dollars, “especially by such an odd-looking one like yours.”
“Yes, he does look a little peculiar,” agreed the winner’s master, “but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off.”
Say That Again
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband’s lawyer arose and said, “Isn’t it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?”
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, “What was that date again ?”
Fast Black People
Q: Why are black people so fast?
A: All the slow ones are in jail.
Entra un borracho en la
Entra un borracho en la iglesia a la hora de la consagraci�n:
“�S�rvanle a todos, yo pago!”, grita el borracho acaparando la atenci�n de todos.
“�Shhh, estamos en misa!”, protesta la gente tratando de o�r la misa.
El borrach�n sigui� acerc�ndose al p�lpito gritando de nuevo:
“�S�rvanle a todos, yo pago!”
“�Shhh, no ve que estamos en misa! �C�llese!”
El beodo sigue avanzando y grita nuevamente:
“�Qu� le sirvan a todos, yo pago!”
Ya enfadado, un sacerdote que estaba en el confesionario lo rega�a:
“�Ya c�llese, tenga respeto en la consagraci�n!”
El temulento se le queda viendo fijamente y vuelve a gritar:
“�A ese que est� en el retrete tambi�n s�rvanle, yo pago!”
Maine Diary
Dear Diary:
Aug. 1 – Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE.
Oct. 14 – New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.
Nov. 11 – Deer season will open soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.
Dec. 2 – It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.
Dec. 12 – More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.
Dec. 19 – Snowed again last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I’m exhausted from shoveling. DAMN SNOWPLOW!
Dec. 22 – More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling. THAT ASSHOLE!!!
Dec. 25 – “White Christmas” my busted ass. More friggin’ snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on this shitty ice. DAMN ICE!
Dec. 28 – More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when “Snowplow Harry” comes by. Can’t go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? ONE HELL OF ALOT!
Jan. 1 – Happy Friggin’ New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 24 miserable inches of snow this time. At this rate it won’t melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that shit-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the asshole’s head. DAMN, ANOTHER SHOVEL WASTED! Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Wish those hunters would have killed them all last November. DAMN HUNTERS!
May 3 – Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin’ salt they keep dumping all over the roads? It really looks like a piece of rusting shit. DAMN SALT!
May 10 – Moved to Florida today. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right friggin’ mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Maine. I LOVE IT HERE. Damn! Something just bit me….
Make me an Uncle
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.
“And why not?” asked Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?”
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”
Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, “You’re SURE you want a nephew?”
“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor!”
“Well congratulations, you’re holding him!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing
Where Am I!!!
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position?
The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!”
Innocent Giving
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas.”
En la ciudad de M�xico
En la ciudad de M�xico abrieron un restaurant con un letrero que dec�a: “Comidas ex�ticas, si no encuentra lo que usted pide le regalamos un mill�n de pesos”.
Un muchacho ve el letrero y se anima a entrar. Llama al mesero y le dice, “Mesero, tr�igame por favor unas hormiguitas negras rellenas de nalga de hipop�tamo!”
Y el mesero contesta, “�S�, c�mo no!”
A los 5 minutos se las traen. Al d�a siguiente vuelve a pasar y dice, “Ora s� me la van a pelar!” Llama al mesero y le dice, “Quiero un caldo de cuerno de rinoceronte joto.”
Y el mesero le contesta otra vez con tonito mam�n “�S� como no SE�OR!”
Y a los 5 minutos, �le traen su caldo con todo y mo�ito para que creyeran que era puto!
Vuelve a pasar por ah� y dice “�Vas a ver que lo que te voy a pedir hoy no lo van a tener! �TRAEME UNOS SANDWICHES BIEN TOSTADOS DE CHICHIS DE SIRENA LACTANDO!”
Y el mesero, pensando y sudando le responde “Perm�tame tantito, se�or (Ahora sin el tono mam�n). Se tarda el mesero 5, 10, 15, 20, 25,30 minutos… y llega con el mill�n de pesos del cliente dici�ndole: “Lo siento, se�or, pero no tenemos su orden, �Acaba de ganar usted un mill�n de pesos!”
El cliente burl�ndose le dice: “�Ya ve, ya ve, no ten�an chichis de sirena!”
Y el mesero contesta encabronado y cag�ndose del coraje: “�no se�or, es que se nos acab� el pinche pan Bimbo!”
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up…
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.