Your mama’s so fat, when she walked in front of the T.V. we missed two
episodes of Friends!
Author: admin
Potatoes
A Blonde, A Brunette and a redhead were running away from the police. They jumped over a wall and found three sacks lying on the ground. They each got into one and laid still. The police jumped over the wall and saw the sacks lying on the ground one of the officers kicked the sack that had the redhead in it.”Meow”” said the redhed. The officer said “” it’s alright just a sack of cats. He kicked the sack contained the Brunette.””Woof”” said the brunette.””its alright just a sack of dogs. He kicked the third sack with the blonde inside.””potatoes”” said the blonde
“
State Supreme Court decision .
Q: What famous Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous
for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Friends help you move.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Frog wishes
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, ‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’ The woman freed the frog and the frog said, ‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.’The woman said, ‘That would be OK,’ and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, ‘You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him.’The woman replied, ‘That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.’ So, poof – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.The frog said, ‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.’The woman said, ‘That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.’ So, poof – she’s the richest woman in the world.The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, ‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’
2 Gays, 2 Lesbians
2 gays and 2 lesbians are all gonna travel round the world. Who
will get around first?
The lesbians. Why? Because the lesbians will be doing 69, while
the gays are still packing each other’s shit.
The Bear Hunter
The first day of bear hunting season and the hunter is walking down the trail. He comes to a clearing and sees a very large bear in plain sight and takes a shot. When the smoke clears he looks and does’nt see the bear. Suddenly he feels something tapping him on the shoulder, It is the bear and the bear accuses him of trying to shoot him. The hunter denies this repeatedly but the bear makes the hunter pull down his pants and bend over a log where the bear has his way with the hunter. The bear finishes and goes on his way.
The next morning the hunter is ready for a little payback. He is walking down the same trail and sees the same bear. This time the hunter cleans his sight and takes better aim. When the smoke clears he looks and finds the bear gone again. He throws his rifle down and starts cursing. Then the hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear again accuses the hunter of trying to shoot him. The hunter persistently denies until the bear makes him pull down his pants and bend over the log again. After the bear is finished the hunter hobbles back to his camp.
The third morning the hunter is ready to make the bear pay for the last two days indescressions. He was up all night cleaning his rifle and adjusting his scope. He finds the same bear at the same clearing and takes very careful sight. He slowly squeezes of the shot and when the smoke clears he once again missed the bear. He takes his rifle and throws it into the woods.
At that moment the bear taps him on the shoulder and says “you din’t come here to hunt, did you?”.
A mouse’s vacation
One day 3 mice got sooo board they decided to go on vacation.
They went on vacation in the bathroom. The first mouse went in
the tub,the second mouse went in the sink and the third mouse
went in the toilet. When they got back they told everyone about
it. The first mouse said”It was nice and refreshing and i liked
it”. The second mouse said “It was nice and refreshing and i
liked it”. The third mouse said “well,i didn’t like it at all!
First it started to get dark then there was thunder and it
started to rain and after all that there was a giant whirlpool!!
But if it wasn’t for the log i wouldn’t be standing here!
Famous Quotes
“I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on”
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red sea.
“Scattered showers my ass”
-Noah
“Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the same”
-Oscar Wilde
“I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better”
-any man who has been married
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants”
-A. Whitney Brown
“I told you I was Sick!”
-On a tombstone
“Gay Motherfucker!”
-English professor giving an example of an oxymoron
“What the hell are you trying to say?”
-any dog looking at its owner
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies”
-Kermit the Frog
“You want What on the fucking ceiling?”
-Michaelangelo
Elfs’ ode to Santa
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a crock of shit
We dont work for Santa Claus
We’ve had it up 2 here, we quit!
Cause we do all the fucking work
While he’s just in the show
So stick you Xmas up your ass
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
Stand Up
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon,
finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded
off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and
was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example
of him.
He said to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven,
please stand.” The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a
place in hell please STAND UP!”
The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that
he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he said, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here,
Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!”
Skydiver
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
“So, did you jump?” The father asked.
“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!”
“Is that when you jumped?” Asked the father.
“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door.”
“Did you jump then?” Asked the father.
“I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt.”
“So, did you jump?”
“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 275 pounds. He said
to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’ I said, ‘No, sir. I’m too
scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, `’Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little
baby up your ass.'”
“So, did you jump?” Asked the father.
“Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it.”