Author: admin

Toilet Paper

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One night a married couple were up stairs getting ready for bed.
The husband just got out of the shower and walked into their
room. As he walked in he saw his wife standing in front of a
mirror naked. As he contined to watch he saw her start rubbing
her tits. He continued to watch until she noticed him. He asked
“What the hell are you doing?” She replied “My tits are so
small, I’ve tried everything, working out, creams, lotions,
nothing seems to work! I guess plastic surgery is the only
answer.” The husband looks at her for a moment, scratches his
head and says, “Well, go into the bathroom and get some toilet
paper.” “Toilet paper?” She replied. “Ya, take some toilet paper
and rub it inbetween your tits.” The wife replied “How in the
hell will that make my tits bigger!?” The husband answered, “You
got me, but it sure as hell worked on your ass!”

Three Strikes Your Out

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A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon
pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled,
he said, “That’s once.”
Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t
say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horses
dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer
turned to her and said, “That’s once.”

A Nun? Drinking!?

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.””Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!””Oh Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.”Her voice dropped.”It helps her constipation, you know.”So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied: “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s going to shit!”

A blind pilot is flying this plane?

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I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?”Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Barbars Advice

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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices.”But you’re balder than I am,” protested the customer.”True,” admitted the barber, “but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a moustache!”

Jewels

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The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to the
portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for
her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted, “You
should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them
on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms,
the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all
stay….BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds
and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of
gold and diamonds. Do you understand?”

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should
want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but
adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

She replied, “When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife,
she should go crazy looking for the jewels.”