A woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears
this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so
she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. “Oh, that,” he
says, “that’s just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes
in her back to attach her wings.” The woman is still a bit upset by
this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again.
This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls
St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now.
“Oh, that,” he says, “they’re just drilling holes in her head to
attach the halo.” The woman decides that she wants out and tells St.
Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. “Are
you sure you want to go there?” he says. “It’s a terrible place,
you’ll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!” “That’s
okay” says the woman, “I already have the holes for that!”
Author: admin
Barking dog
how do u stop a dog barking in the back of the car?
you put it in the front
how do you stop a dog barking in the front of the car?
you put it in the back
by declan
Signs You’re Too Fat For Your Pants
1.You’ve lost the feeling below your ankles.
2.When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about
a knee-injury to dismiss curious nlookers.
3.When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where
your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
4.The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you
lost a finger.
5.Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and
produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
6.People ask you questions like, “Are you a professional scuba diver, or do
you just wear the gear?”
7.The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with
the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
8.It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small
crane and a power winch.
9.When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look
great.
10.Your name is Al Roker.
Redneck Olympics
10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.6. Urine drug test transformed into “Distance Pissin Competition.”5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
Refrigerator Magnet Slogans
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent LifeHelp Keep the Kitchen Clean – Eat OutHousework Done Properly Can Kill YouCountless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal LivesMy next house will have no kitchen — just vending machinesA Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is DeliriousNo Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
You tell me
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of
birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night
studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward
and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the
front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird
had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class
started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by
looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits,
etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He
started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now
he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation,
the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the
professor’s desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. “What a
ridiculous test!” he told the prof. “How could anyone tell the difference
between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off
I’ve ever seen!”
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit
shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was
about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, “Wait a minute, young man,
what’s your name?”
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, “You tell me, prof!
You tell me!”
Ticket Please
Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said “You’ll see.”
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket Please.” An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.
On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, “You’ll see.”
All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into seperate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers bathroom, knocks on the door and says: “Ticket please.”
Lesbians Cooks
Why are Lesbians the worst cooks?
Because they are always eating out
Top Insurance Salesman
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to
advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their
Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s
Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance
sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt.
stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, “If
you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay
$200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle
and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into
battle first?”
What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?…
What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?
They are both fun to drive, and you wouldn’t want your friends to see you
on one.
Nigro joaks
what does a blak santi clous say
yoyoyo
One Brilliant Kid!
A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.
“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”
“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely.
“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued.
“You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”
“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree…
…and then I paint the target around it.”