Marooned

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it’s very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

These chickens want books

A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and
say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books,
and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and
say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire another
three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the
librarian, looking very annoyed and say, ‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’ The
librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they
request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this
point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens
throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit
Rrredit Rrredit…”

Why Babies Need Lots Of Clothes

1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib…baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.

2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don’t have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze…or even if you do…baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.

3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer… but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.

4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless…baby will find spot.

5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.

6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today…size 3 on Wednesday…

7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.

8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee…let’s see if the washing machine has eaten today…

9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night…that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws..

10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else’s stash and the clothes look cleaner…just trade…they will probably be too tired to notice…)

Mommies

I’d had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came,
I laid down the law: “We’re putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and
reading ONE book. Then it’s lights out!” Her arms went around my neck in a
gentle embrace, and she said, “We learned in Sunday school about little boys and
girls who don’t have mommies and daddies.”
Even after I’d been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have
me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, “Maybe you
could go be THEIR mom?”

Just idle conversation…

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..”

“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.

“GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”

Programming Humor

A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.

Apparently he’d been washing his hair. The instructions on the bottle said: Wet hair Apply shampoo Lather Rinse Repeat

Some dumb christmas jokes

What did one Angel say to the other?
Halo there!

How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
“A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!”

What do elephants sing at Christmas?
No-elephants, no elephants!

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?
Best vicious of the season

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards!

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A merry Christmas to ewe

What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L!!)!