What did the Indian say to the mermaid?????
How?
Author: admin
Never advise anyone to go
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.
– Proverb
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, “Dad, Mom, I have
some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in
town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Joe’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Your
mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has
never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with
women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry
her.”
Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls
again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes!
We are getting married in June.”
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad
news. “Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this.”
Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married”, he
complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister.”
His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says,
dear. He’s not really your father.”
Redneck Jokes Galore!
You might be a redneck if. . .
You think harass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.
Old Corps
We’ve all heard about the “Old Corps” from those “Old Salts.” Here’s a story
I heard a while back, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s true.
Back in 1775, in Tun’s Tavern, recruiting started for the new Marine Corps.
The very first Marine enlistee came in, signed the papers and took an oath. He
was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistee’s to go through the
process. They would assemble later on the front yard.
After a few minutes the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps,
beside the first. The first man looked at the second and began, “Son, let me
tell you about the Old Corps.”
Gardner Webb
Q: How many Gardner-Webb University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two – one to throw the old one in the cow pasture and the other to drive to Shelby to get a new bulb.
Donating
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for
it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay
me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet
again in the same line.
Man: “Hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) “Unh unh.”
Check your Dirty IQ
Questions…
1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I’m at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really!!! Just what were you thinking?
Jonny Is Off
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”
Guess what
What is round and oval, always wet and juicy and most of the time it has a bad smell to it, What is it?
It is actually your mouth.
If you think it was a vagina you have a bad mind.
How can you tell when barbies got her period?…
How can you tell when barbies got her period?
The tick tacs are missing.
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
Do You Love As Good As You Look
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
Heaven’s Just A Sin Away
Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind
Her Cheatin’ Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
How Can A Whiskey That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33?
How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don’t Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
I Don’t Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don’t Want Your Body If Your Heart’s Not In It
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
I Knew I’d Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain’t Used Up)
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out Of Town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
I Wouldn’t Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I’ll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite
I’m Gettin’ Gray From Being Blue
I’m Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
I’m Havin’ Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I’m Not Married But The Wife Is
I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I’ve Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
I’ve Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I’m Blue All The Time
I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You
I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find On You
If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If It’s Got To Be Later, How ‘Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I’ll Fall In Love
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I’d Cry All Night Long
If The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me
If Whiskey Were A Woman I’d Be Married For Sure
If You Can’t Feel It (It Ain’t There)
If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
It Ain’t Love But It Ain’t Bad
It Don’t Feel Like Sinnin’ To Me
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It’s Hard To Be Humble When You’re Perfect In Every Way
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
@ardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
Please Bypass This Heart
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
She’s Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without.
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
Tennis Must Be Your Racket ‘Cause Love Means Nothin’ To You
Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
The Last Word In Lonesome Is “me”
There Ain’t No Waste In My Baby’s Love Canal
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town)
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
You Can’t Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You’re A Cross I Can’t Bear
You’re Ruining My Bad Reputation
You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly