Brother -in-law

A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he has money in the bank.

He replied “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked ” Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said “Just a spinster sister who is a nun.”

The nun, slightly preturbed, said “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

To the top!

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. The
pheasant sighed, “I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree over there, but I just haven’t got the energy.” “Well,
why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings? They’re packed
with nutrients.” replied the bull. The pheasant pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree! And the very next day, after
eating some more, he reached the second branch! And so on. And
finally, after just a few days, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Where upon, he was spotted by a farmer who
dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the
pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won’t keep you there

Un tio quiere llevar a

Un tio quiere llevar a su mujer a la opera para celebrar las bodas de plata. Como la mujer es muy palurda y un poco guarra, empieza a echarse spray de desodorante en los sobacos, y despues por los brazos, y despu�s en la cara y despu�s en el torso, y despu�s en la espalda… El marido, cansado de oir tanto Psssss Pssss le dice: “Maria, �y el agujero de ozono?” “�Ah! �s�! se me olvidaba. Pssssss…”

The Gorilla Golfer

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little
wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that
says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this
club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at
the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he
said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first
tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the
gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The
gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of
sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from
the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train
him to hit the ball like that? There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t
beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the
trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle.
Every time.”

The Man and The Genie (version 2)

On day there was a man that walked into a bar. He peered across
the room to see another man holding his ass with a look of pain
over his face.

He walked over and asked what was wrong with him. He said that
he had a champagne cork lodged 12 inches up his ass. The other
man looked in horror at him and asked why. He said that he had
been walking through the desert when he found a bottle in the
sand and kicked it.

He then said a genie came out and told him he would grant him
one wish. He exclaimed “NO SHIT!!!”

Redneck wins lotto!

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin
to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck
says, “I want my $20 million.”

The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you
a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the
next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won
it and I want it.”

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day
and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my
money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now,
then I want my dollar back!”