A: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
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A: Both are empty from the neck up.
Author: admin
If it is worth doing,
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
Coming for dinner..
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Maya!Maya who?Maya best
Knock KnockWho’s there?Maya!Maya who?Maya best friend?
Lawyer vs. Vampire
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Moooooo!
This gay guy walks into the bar and says,”Bartender I am gay but I would like to stay and have a drink.”So he replied,” Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess with anyone.”So the guy accepted and walked away. A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says,” Bartender, I’d Like a brewsky.”Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip. He slamed down the mug and said,”I fell like a stud bull!” and the gay guy said,”Mooo!”
Three miles
The White House and the Capitol building were evacuated today as a small plane flew into restricted airspace.
It actually got within three miles of the White House.
Three miles! That’s closer than John Kerry ever got.
What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes
home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one
of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?�
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a
favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could
you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?” was his response. Another couple of
weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the
roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a
leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He just looked at her and said “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down
with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak
on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he
found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the
husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s
running?”
She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I
ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed
everything.” “Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband. “No, he just
said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him”
she said.
“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband. “Cake? What the
hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Un hombre mayor va al
Un hombre mayor va al m�dico porque ya no rinde lo que debiera rendir en la cama.
“Mire, doctor, que yo antes en la cama era un tigre y ahora pues ya no”.
“Hombre, usted tiene que entender que a su edad…”
“Ya, pero tal vez usted pudiera hacer algo para solucionarlo”.
“Mire, para que usted lo entienda: un hombre a lo largo de su vida puede tirar 2000 cohetes; cuando los cohetes se acaban no se puede hacer nada”.
Al d�a siguiente vuelve el hombre y protesta:
“Mire, doctor, usted me dijo que un hombre pod�a tirar 2000 cohetes. Yo llevo casado con mi mujer desde el 58 y habr� tirado unos 1000 cohetes; entre ligues y juventud otros 500, �d�nde est�n los 500 que faltan?”
“�Y los que le han explotado en la mano?”
Ski Practice
It’s time for skiing again! Do the following exercises to prepare for the
real experience!
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are
looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed
ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it’s in a snowstorm
and you’re following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for
the real thing!
Scale A Fence
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Blonde’s Revenge
What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What’s a brunette’s mating call?
” Has the blonde left yet? ”
Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.
Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage
Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.