What’s the difference between Spiceworld and a porno?
A porno has better music.
Author: admin
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
Pink Horse & a Purple Elephant
What do you do if there is a pink horse and a purple elephant chasing you?
Get off the carousel!
Dirty Riddles
Q: What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?A: 1 U.S. leaderQ: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A: A cherry float.Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?A: Beat it – we’re closed.Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?A: To find a tight seal.Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”Q: Why is air a lot like sex?A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?A: K9P.Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?A: Dill-dough.Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky’s cheeks so puffy?A: She’s withholding evidence.Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?A: You can sleep with a light on.Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?A: You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.Q: What’s the height of conceit?A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.Q: What’s the definition of macho?A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A: Their balls are just for decoration.Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.Q: Why is divorce so expensive?A: Because it’s worth it.
Presidential Promise
The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by putting
more women on his staff.
I’m glad I’m a woman
I’M GLAD I’M A WOMAN
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see-I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know-I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for a chick.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
8:00 AM at the casino
It’s 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m not wearing underwear.” With that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!”With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching the dice!”
Little Johny
One day little johnny was sitting in his house when the door knocked
he ran to open it with a bottle whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other
thae sales person at the door said is your parents home
little johnny said [what the @#$% you think}
English lovers
An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
‘Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C’est magnifique!’ and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,
‘Mais… Sacre bleu!! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
‘Albert… Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston’s field making love.’
The police chief smiled and said;
‘Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.’
‘Mais non! You do not understand – ze woman she is dead!’
Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.
‘Pierre, Pierre… this is Albert. I was in Gaston’s field… zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex.’
To which Pierre replied,
‘Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.’
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,
‘Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!’
Hearing this Pierre shouted,
‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said,
‘Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.’
Millionaire
A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend.
The wife replied, ” A billionaire”.
The Change
A woman goes to the doctor’s and says, “Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!”
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the woman returns and says, “Doctor, Doctor, it’s gotten worse!
Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What’s wrong with me?”
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, “Doctor, Doctor, I’m still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!”
The doctor says, “Relax, Relax,… you’re just going through your change!”
Valentines, Redneck
Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway.You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan. Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore. ‘Cuz you married me back in ’74.Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape, yo’re there fer yore man, To patch up life’s troubles and stick ’em in the can.Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like no far ant upon which I oft’ tread.Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.And when you get old like a ’57 Chevy, Won’t put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; It’s romantic that way.Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.”That’s impressive,” I say.Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.”Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it’s a new trollin’ motor.