your mommas so stupid that when she was driving you to the airport and saw the sign that said airport left she turned around and brought ya home
Author: admin
Knock KnockWho’s there?Says!Says who?Says me,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Says!Says who?Says me, that’s who!
Aussie And All Black
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, ‘Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?The big guy replies, ‘Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks.” “The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he’s an ex-All Black lock.” “Next to him is a bloke who’s 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he’s a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?”The first bloke says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”
How To Please a Woman
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short
and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here
are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are
tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman.”
Opps,sorry daddy
one day a man said to his son go get some fruit pills from the chemist.so the boy is skipping down the road chanting ” fruit pills for daddy, fruit pills for daddy” and he runs into a poll and bumps his head and forgets what he was saying. then he got up saying root pills for daddy, root pills for daddy he gets to the chemist and says can i have some root pills please and the lady says yes but tell your daddy that he needs to take 1 every 24 hours.the boy is skipping home chanting 1 every 24 hours,1 every 24 hours and bumps into a poll.then he gets up saying 24 every 1 hour, 24 every 1 hour he gets home gives his father the pills and says take 24 every 1 hour.the father reads the bottle and says these are not fruit pills go back and get some.so the boy is runing chanting fruit pilss for daddy, fruit pills for daddy and runs into a poll he gets up saying root pills for daddy, root pills for daddy.he gets to the chemist and asks for some root pills the lady asks how are you going with the other ones the says my mummys vibrater got stuck, my daddy is still in hospital and my sister was last seen doing the dog.
Cockroach at the door.
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.
This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said…
“Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”
Which Side
A sports writer interviewed the 14 time world champing female fisherman. what is your secret, do you have a favorite side of the boat or specail lure. no was the repley to the lure. as far as the side of the boat that depends on my husband. report says i don,t understand. well it is this way , i lift up the sheets in the morning and look at my husbands dong, if it is laying on his right leg i fish on the right side of the boat, if on the left i fish off the left side of the boat. reporter what if it is standing up??? well then to hell with going fishing
IMPROVE YOUR ENGLISH WRITING TIPS
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren’t necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know.”
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly
superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don’t never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of
10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns
in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they’re old hat; seek
viable alternatives.
Jesus Christ
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ.
Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him
that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy
so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room
because he doesn’t have time to answer his stupid questions.
So he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum,
“Who’s Jesus Christ?”
The bum replies, “Well, I am.”
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes
the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They
walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, “Jesus Christ,
are you in here again!?”
Nelson Bayardo, famoso aprendiz de
Nelson Bayardo, famoso aprendiz de escritor Uruguayo, entrevist� al Coronel Escayola en Tacuarembo, Uruguay. Bayardo le dice: “�Es cierto que usted tuvo 64 hijos?”
“S�, le dice Escayola, y por hacer tantos hijos no pude llegar a General y me qued� en Coronel.”
“Y… �se acuerda de sus nombres de todos?”
“�No! s�lo me acuerdo de uno que se llamaba Carlos”.
“�Ah! ya s�, le dice Bayardo, Carlos Gardel, �verdad?”
“No s� si se apellidaba Gardel, pero s� s� que se llamaba Carlos”.
“Que incre�ble, Coronel y d�jeme preguntarle: Los 64 hijos los tuvo usted con ‘la misma?'”
“S�, Nelson, con ‘la misma’, s�lo que con diferentes mujeres”.
“Qu� b�rbaro le dice Bayardo, entonces yo me siento hoy muy afortunado, Coronel.”
“�Por qu�?”, le dice Escayola.
“�Porque hoy debe ser uno de los pocos d�as en que se le encuentra a usted vestido y en uniforme!”
Eight Times A Virgin
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
Her comments were as follows,
“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically ‘okay’, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can…do; Those who can’t…teach.’
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, “Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.”
The husband looked at his wife and simply said, “I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it!”
Silver Car and Red Hotel
There was this guy and he was pushing his silver car down the road and
then he had to stop at a red hotel. When he stopped he got mad. Why did he
get mad?
Because he was playing Monopoly and he had to pay money since he landed on
a hotel spot!