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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. – Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does. – Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers. – W. Somerset Maugham

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a woman’s idea and for man’s acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. – Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. – H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. – H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. – H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. – H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. – H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. – Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. – Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. – Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. – Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. – Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. – Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. – Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. – PJ O’Rourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. – Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. – Poor Jimmy’s Almanac

It doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. – Rogers

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. – Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. – Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. – Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. – Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…”; they leave skid marks. – Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. – Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish Proverb