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Iraq TV Guide

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Monday
8:00 Husseinfeld.
8:30 Mad About Everything.
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions.
9:30 Allah McBeal.

Tuesday
8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror.
8:30 The Price Is Right if Saddam Says It’s Right.
9:00 Children Are Forbidden to Say the Darndest Things.
9:30 Iraq’s Funniest Public Execution Bloopers.

Wednesday
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer.
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy.
9:00 Just Shoot Me.
9:30 Veilwatch.

Thursday
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi.
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H.
9:00 Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses.
9:30 My Two Baghdads.

Friday
8:00 Judge Saddam.
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things.
9:00 Achmed’s Creek.
9:30 Nowitness News.

New Patents

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There was this guy at the patent office counter and said,” I want to patent this Peach.” The clerk asked,”What’s so special about your peach?”The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,”wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!”Then the next guy walks up and said,”I want to patent this cookie!”The clerk said,”now what is so special about your cookie?”In return the guy said, “It tastes like a woman’s snatch!” The clerk said “I gotta try this” so he took a bite. He then said,” Oh man, this tastes like shit!” The man at the counter said, “Turn it around!”

A wife for Adam

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God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?”

“Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.”

“Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

“Oh,” says Adam, “Well what can I get for a rib?”

Clinton addressing to students

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Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school one day to promote one of his
education bills. He was talking to a classroom of kids and asked them if they
knew what a tragedy is. One little boy said, “A tragedy would be if a school bus
full of kids ran off a road and everybody died�. Mr. Clinton responded, “No,
that would be an accident�. Shocked, the class was silent for a moment when a
bright young girl stood up and said, “A tragedy would be if all the teachers in
the world quit teaching�. Clinton thought for a moment and then said, “No, that
would be a great loss�. Finally another boy stood up and said, “A tragedy would
be if the President was in an airplane and it crashed and he died�. Clinton
smiled and said, “Good job, now that would be a tragedy. Can you explain to the
class why that would be a tragedy?” The little boy responded by saying, “Well,
it probably wouldn’t be an accident and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss�.

Le Thief

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Recently, a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading
security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only
two blocks away when his econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he
could have overlooked such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet
to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Pay for your past bills

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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling
a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new
order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please
cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”