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Dejan al capataz encargado de
Dejan al capataz encargado de la finca y al regreso el patr�n le pregunta que ha pasado en la durante el tiempo que estuvo fuera. El capataz le dice que lo �nico es que el gato se muri�.
“�Pero de qu� se muri� el gato?”
“De indigesti�n.”
“�Por qu� de indigesti�n?”
“Pues como el caballo de 5 millones se muri�, c�mo ibamos a desperdiciar la carne…”
“�C�mo que se muri� el caballo, c�mo ocurri�?”
“Pues por el esfuerzo que hizo, patr�n.”
“�Esfuerzo de qu�?
“Pues cargando el agua.”
“�Agua para qu�?”
“Pues para apagar el incendio patroncito.”
“�Cu�l incendio?”
“El que se produjo por las velas.”
“�Cu�les velas?”
“Las del velorio de su mam�.”
“�C�mo? �Que se muri� mi mam�?”
El patr�n coge al capataz a patadas y pu�etazos y le da una paliza tremenda. Al final, el capataz le dice al patr�n:
“Si hubiera sabido que se iba a poner as�, mejor no le hubiera contado lo del gato, patroncito…”
One day a priest and
One day a priest and a nun went golfing.
The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy
put. He shouted, “Damn, missed again.”
The nun, shocked, warned him “God will get you for that.”
The next hole the same thing occurred. After the preist screamed “God Damn
It! Missed again” the nun repeated her
warning “God will get you for that!”
On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun
could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens
and struck the nun dead.
A deep voice from the clouds boomed out “God Damn It! Missed again!”.
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat, she has to sleep in shifts!
Blond Guy and HIs Lunch
There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers
and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irish man
opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, “If I get one
more beef and cabbage for lunch I’m going to jump off of this building.”
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get
one more burrito for lunch I’m going to jump off this building. The blond man
opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwich he said if I get one more
bologna sandwich I’m goona jump off of this building.
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so
he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail
and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond
guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his
death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man’s wife said, ”Barograph, only if
I would have known that he didn’t like cabbage and beef I would have packed him
something else.” Then the Mexican’s wife then said, ”If I only knew he didn’t
like burritos, I would have packed something else. ”Finally, the blonde man’s
wife said ” I don’t know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.”
Dog Steals Roast
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Tim Kelly was walking therough
Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to
him. “Good evenin’, Kelly,” said the muffled figure. “Don’t ye be knowin’ your
old friend Grogan any more?”
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and
adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.
“Saints!” cried Kelly. “Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely
jump from the trestle?”
“It could’ve been both,” said Grogan, “considerin’ the feel of it. But the
truth is, I was in bed with Murphy’s wife when Murphy himself comes in with
a murtherin’ big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature
beat the livin’ bejazus outa me.”
“He did indade,” said Kelly. “But couldn’t ye defend y’rself, Grogan?
Hadn’t ye nothin’ in your own hand?”
“Only Mrs. Murphy’s ass,” said Grogan. “It’s a beautiful thing in
itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.”
Gay Picnic
Question = How can you tell you are at a gay picnic?
Answer = The hot dogs taste like shit!
Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron”
The man looks round and doesn’t see anyone so he tries again. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog.” The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?”, the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “Ok where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit Las Vegas”.
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Ok frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette”. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks,” what do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000 black 6.” Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me”.
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room”.
Le ped� a Dios una
Le ped� a Dios una flor y me dio un jard�n,
le ped� un arbol y me dio un bosque,
le ped� un polvo y me dio tu n�mero de tel�fono.
De ti depende que crea en Dios.
Te deseo, quiero arrastrarte a la cama,
hacerte sudar, temblar,
incendiar tu cuerpo hasta que me tengas.
Te espero, siempre tuya, no te olvido.
Firmado: LA FIEBRE.
La polic�a ha encontrado un cuerpo quemado,
con dentadura postiza, peluca,
pr�tesis de pene y trasero deforme.
Por favor m�ndame un mensaje
para saber que est�s bien.
Seras mi pr�xima v�ctima,
te arrastrar� a la cama,
te har� temblar de arriba abajo,
te har� sudar, poseer� todo tu cuerpo.
No podr�s librarte de mi.
Firmado: LA GRIPE
�Te gusta que te soben?
�que te rocen?
�que te hagan sudar?
�adoptar nuevas posturas?
�llegar al fondo?
subir… bajar… entrar… salir…
USA EL AUTOBUS.
La policia busca a una persona guapa,
sexy, carism�tica e incre�blemente buena en la cama.
Tu, claro est�s a salvo.
Pero �d�nde me escondo yo?
Llevaba tanto tiempo sin hacer el amor,
que ya pensaba que FORNICAR…
�era un empresa de alquiler de coches!
�Necesitas Sexo?
Para sexo f�cil pulse 1, para sexo oral 2,
para sexo suave 3, para sexo duro pulse 4,
para un 69 pulse 5 y para el pack completo pulsa… MI NUMERO.
One man, 5 women
Doctor said the young man lying down on the couch, “you’ve got to help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of
a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”
The psychiatrist nodded. “And what do you do?”
� I push them away.”
� I, see. What do you want me to do?”
The patient says. “Break my arms.”
Calcium Research
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!”The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long.”