Yours Fun Portal !
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies
lined up on each arm; the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the
ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one
moron says to the other, “I don’t think much of this budgie jumping.”
The other moron replies, “Yeah, I’m not too keen on this paragliding either.”
One who doesn’t move her lips when she reads.
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.” “Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” “No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy. “I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply. “Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “HONK IF
YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I’m
glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!
I found lots of people who loved Jesus.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and
yelled “JESUS CHRIST!” as loud as he could.
It was like a football game with him shouting, “GO!…JESUS CHRIST!…GO!”
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and
waved to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell
something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger.
I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the
Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good
luck sign back.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and started running towards me!
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed
so I stepped on the gas.
It’s a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the
intersection.
I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the
window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, they all just quit and go home!
The folowing are all quotes from Marion Barry, the mayor of Washington
D.C.:
“The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity
during this long period of increment weather.”
“I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”
“If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low
crime rate.”
“First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what
can I say? I’m a night owl.”
“Bitch set me up.”
“I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s
Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no
less.”
“The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of
gravity is racist.”
“I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international
city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international
symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?”
“People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the
president’s. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to
kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.”
“The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black,
were the ultimate sacrifice.”
“I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The
Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.”
“What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they
deem it necessary?”
“People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the
water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then?
WOULD IT!?!”
“I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent
man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.”
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Jerrold!Jerrold who?Jerrold friend, thats who!
One day a lady asked her husband if she could get a face transplant. The
husband said, “Why do you want to get a face transplant? You’re 65. You’re
going to die soon.” She said I talked with god today, he said I’m going to
live until one hundred. So she got the transplant. Three days later she
got ran over by a bus and was killed. When she was at the gates of heaven,
she said to god, “I thought I was going to live until one hundred?” God
said, “I know, but I didn’t recognize you!”
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.
Well the first guy says, “I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.”
Well the second guy says, “Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.”
Well the third guy says, “Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.”
Well the fourth guys clearly states, “Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.”
The other three guys say really? Why’s that?
And the fourth guys says, “Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn’t know what to do … so I shit my pants!”