You’re gonna croak!

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king!”

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure!…
You’re not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

Jay Lenno on Starr’s Report

Jay Lenno on the Impact of Kenneth Starr’s Report. 9/11/98As a direct result of the release of Judge Kenneth Starr’s Report to the congress on the internet:Meet The Press will not be hosted by Tim Russert this week. The new host: Dr. Ruth.The Big Story: George Burns no longer can claim the world’s most famous cigar.According to Monica, Bill took phone calls while she was giving him Oral Sex. Wouldn’t it be too perfect if one of those calls was from AT&T asking if he was satisfied with the service he was getting? The President’s Lawyer went on TV and said ‘this is just an accusation, not proof.’ Hey Lumpy! 36 boxes of evidence will stack up to substantially taller than you, your boss and your secretaries standing on each others shoulders! With that mountain of evidence against you: IT’S OVER!!!!!. Even OJ was heard to say: ‘Give It Up!!!’Clinton wasn’t going to apologize to his cabinet until Janet Reno got him in a Headlock and said: ‘Now you say you’re sorry right now!’Milton Bradley has released a Special Bill Clinton Edition of their famous board game: ‘Sorry’

Lost ID

Joe was travelling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs agent at the border.

“May I see your identification, please?”, asks the agent. “I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet”, replies Joe. “Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border”, says the agent.

“But I can prove that I’m an American!” exclaims Joe. “I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Bob Dole on the other.”

“This I got to see”, replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

“By golly, you’re right!”, exclaims the agent. “Go on home to Massachusetts.”

“Thanks”, says Joe, “but how did you know I was from Massachusetts?” The agent replies: “I saw the picture of Ted Kennedy in between.”

Clocks

Hilary Clinton got hit by a bus and went up to heaven. To get in
though, she had to go see St. Peter. When she was in his office
she saw a bunch of clocks. “What are all these clocks for?” she
asked
“Oh, those are lying clocks. When a person lies the hand
moves.” St. Peter said
“Where’s my husband’s?” inquired Hilary. And Peter replied
“Oh. It’s in God’s office. They’re using it as a fan.”

Poor Kid

One night, a four-year old heard some strange noises in his parent’s bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.

Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says “Ur, we’re, like, making a little brother for you”.

The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”

Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, mom says they were making a little sister for him.

“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.

Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in parent’s bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying “I don’t want a doooog!”

Magic cream

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said “what the hell are you doing”.

She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. “But it really doesn’t seem to be working” she said.

The husband said “wait a minute I have an idea”. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.

She said “what are you doing”?

He said “well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten”!

Fast turtle

A guy walks into a bar holding a turtle.

The turtle has two bandaged legs,a black eye and his shell is held together with duct tape.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Nothing,” the man responds. “This turtle is very fast.

Have your dog stand at the end of the bar. Then you go stand at the other end of the room and call him.

Before that mutt reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, wanting to see this, sets his dog at one side of the room. Then he goes to the other side and calls him.

Suddenly, the guy picks up his bandaged turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender and smashing it into the wall.

“Told you it would be there before your dog.”

Submited by ���rt��
Edited by Tantilazing

The Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He
is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
“Ribbit. 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
“Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the
frog, “Wow that’s amazing.”

You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replys “Ribbit. Lucky
frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” The man asks.

“Ribbit. 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in
one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit.
Las Vegas.”

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The
frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog
replies, “Ribbit. $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
“Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this
money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”

Q: How many congressmen

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O’Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O’Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.