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Several years ago a Brit friend of mine told a story in which an army officer was notified that the parents of one of his enlisted men (whose surname was Hawkins) had been killed in an accident.
The officer summoned the man’s sergeant, advised him of the situation, and asked him to break the news “gently”.
The sergeant went out and grouped his men and then barked “All those whose mothers and fathers are still living take one step forward–Hawkins, where the hell do you think you’re going?”
A woman rushes into a police station and cries, �Help, help! I�ve been molested by a virgin!�
Calming the woman down, an officer asks, �How do you know it was a virgin?�
The woman gasps, �Because I had to help him.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
There was this woman who went to the doctors cause she was complaining that sex with her husband wasn’t up to par. So the doctor recommended some sex pills and told her to give him one, have sex that night and come back to him with the results.
The next morning she went back to the doctor’s and said “Well, the sex was much better but to tell you the truth it could be alot better.” So the doctor said, “Give him him three tonight and come back to me with the results”
So she did that and the next morning she told him about her experience but said the same thing. “The sex can really be better, Doctor.” So the Doctor said “What the hell, give your husband the whole bottle.”
The next morning a little boy came into the doctor’s office and the doctor asked if he could help him. “I’m the son of the lady you gave those pills to.” “Oh, yes. How did they work?” asked the doctor.
“Well, my mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad’s laying on the couch saying ‘Here Kitty, Kitty.'”
In response to the woman who accidentally walked into the men’s restroom:
Please don’t feel bad. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood”.
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won’t bend. She said, “sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood”.
Well it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,… there wouldn’t have been a problem!!!
20> Well, *somebody* keeps stealing your Yoo-hoo out of the break room refrigerator.
19> Every Casual Friday when Bob from Engineering breaks out the Hawaiian shirt, the Ghost of Good Taste can be heard wailing from behind the copier.
18> Cat-hating poltergeists wipe the hard drive every time you add another Garfield magnet to your PC.
17> No matter what you do, Windows 98 simply WILL NOT CRASH!
16> You find yourself suddenly covered in slime, and there’s nobody from Marketing anywhere nearby.
15> You hear the blood-curdling groans of endless souls in hellish torment… no, wait, it’s just a standard Monday morning.
14> Craig T. Nelson has to tie a rope around your waist every time you go into the men’s room.
13> Never seems to be enough Green Vomit Cleanser in the supply closet.
12> Every time you answer the red phone in your new office, it’s Nixon wanting to talk to your Dad.
11> The cubicle next to yours is suddenly swarming with hundreds of flies and… no, hold on — it’s just your dead-for-five-days co-worker.
10> You make a fresh pot of coffee, turn your back for a second, and it’s gone!
9> You sell insurance for John Hancock — and he attends most of the board meetings.
8> One little puddle of ectoplasm shows up on the receptionist’s chair and *you* get fired for sexual harassment.
7> AIEEEEE! It’s the Headless Tech Support Man!!!
6> Odd noises, strange scents, suspicious looks — and it’s not burrito day in the cafeteria.
5> Your scary Lon Chaney, Jr. screensaver mysteriously replaced by even scarier Dick Cheney/Junior screensaver.
4> When you photocopy your ass, the ghostly image of another ass appears next to it.
3> Every morning you walk past dozens of pale, bleary-eyed zombies wearing tattered clothes and typing line after line of code without blinking — but they don’t like Ho-Hos and Jolt Cola.
2> You could have sworn you were fellating the President, yet he insists that he did not have sex with you.
1> There’s blood everywhere and voices screaming “Get Out!”, and you’re not a dot-com business.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]This is a true story of what a friend’s son did on their way to
the mall:
Of course, the 4 year old son was in the back of the
corvette and the mother and mother’s sister was in the front
just chatting away. Before they know it, a teen couple
had been driving like mad mans (typical teenagers for ya)
and cut them off. The driver/mother then rolls down her
windows and screams “Jackass! Learn how to drive!”
Son in back: (looking around vigourously) “Where? I don’t see
my dad!”
The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates’s Diary11> Invited entire tech-support department to play golf.Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.10> Steve Jobs started work today.The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows — yet. 9> The baby cries constantly.Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price. 8> Bought my first Macintosh.It’s sooooo cute! 7> Good day.Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters. 6> Bad day.Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole. 5> Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner.Yes! 4> Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days! 3> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes. 2> Ran into Demi and Bruce.Upped my offer to a billion dollars.and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates’s Diary… 1> Seventh day: rested.
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years – and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin.
Now Collette’s plotting his revenge–if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel’s mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn’t like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins “miserable”, wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the “bale” to Collette.
Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.
Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette’s name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon’s outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
“This will take some planning,” Collette said. “I will definitely get them out. I’m confident.” But he’s waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. “Wait until next year,” he warned. “I’m on the offensive again.”
Q. What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything
else?
A. Nice dick!
There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things.
A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement.
A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The man’s father asked what the doctor’s name was.
The man replied, “What’s the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?”
His dad looked confused and said, “Rose?”
“Yes that’s it… Hey, Rose… what�s the name of my doctor?”
What is the difference between Pamela Anderson and a Manchester United Goalkeeper?
Pammy has only got two tits in front of her!!!
Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus.
One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, “I hear there’s a new case of
herpes in the dorm.”
“Great!” said Baldwin. “I was getting tired of 7-Up!”