101. It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.106. You never realized how quiet your house was.107. Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.110. Your life will never be the same again.
Author: admin
Magna
When was the Magna Carta signed?
“You there in the back of the room!” shouted the instructor. “What was the
date of the signing of the Magna Carta?”
“I dunno,” was the reply.
“You don’t know? Well, when was the Third Crusade?”
“I dunno,” the victim replied again.
“I made this assignment last Friday. What were you doing last night?”
“I was out at a party with some friends. Didn’t get home ’til five A.M.”
“And you have the audacity to stand there and tell me that?! Just how do you
expect to pass this course?”
“I dunno, mister. I was just told to come an’ fix the radiator.”
You might be a Redneck if..
IF YOUR GUN RACK HAS A GUN RACK.
Black preists
what do you call a black preist?
HOLY SHIT!
Wanted: The Pillsbury Doughman
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Monica in North Carolina
Did you know that Monica Lewinsky is moving to North Carolina?
She doesn’t know exactly where she’ll live, but it’s a toss-up between Blowing Rock and Morehead City.
Burning Bush
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.
So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, “Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you.” She calls Tony Blair in and asks, “Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?”
Tony Blair replies, “It’s me!”
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, “Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?”
And Cheney says, “Wow, that’s a tough one. Let me get back to you.”
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, “Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?” And Colin Powell says, “It’s me!”
So Cheney calls Bush and says, “It’s Colin Powell.”
And Bush says, “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
Seagulls
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: If they lived near the bay, they’d be baygels.
Yo momma so dumb she …
Yo momma”s so dumb, she took an hour to make minute rice.
Vegie
What do you call a Vegaterian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter
The Squirrel
Q: Where did the squirrel hide his nuts?
A: In the bag under the log.
Peas will Kill You
* Nearly ALL sick people have eaten PEAS (obviously then, the effects are cumulative).
* An estimated 99.9% of all people who die from cancer or heart attacks have eaten PEAS.
* Another 99.9% of people involved in auto accidents ate PEAS within 60-days before the accident.
* Some 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where PEAS were served frequently.
* Among people born in 1839 who later dined on PEAS, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
* All PEA-eaters born between 1900-1910 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight (provided, of course, that eating PEAS hasn’t already *killed* them).