A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.”But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer. “Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.” “Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”
Author: admin
7 Word Obituary
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died’.”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died – 1983 Pick-up for sale.'”
Drinks
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks “le apperitif?” All of them answer “oui!”
The waiter looks at Zedillo “Le tequila?” Zedillo: “oui!”
The waiter looks at Yeltsin “Le vodka?” Yeltsin: “oui!”
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton ” Le whisky?” Clinton: “DON’T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!”
Is unusually
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Artist Competition
Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?
Bill: No? How did it turn out?
Bob: It was a draw.
Gorillas
Q:Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
A:because their fingers are so big.
Stop Sucking Your Thumb!
Little Jimmy Keller was 7 now and still sucking his thumb. His
parents wanted him to stop so badly. Jimmy was in the habit and
couldn’t get out. His father would yell at him for it. They
would threaten taking away video games and sports and even TV.
Even this didn’t make Jimmy stop. They got very fed up with
their son.
Finally Jimmy’s mother explained to Jimmy that if he keeps
sucking his thumb his stomach will explode. Jimmy was a bit
scared then. His mother hoped that would work. The next day
Jimmy, his mom, and sister were walking in the park. Jimmy saw a
pregnant woman sitting on a park bench eating ice cream. Jimmy
quickly ran over there and said, “I know what you’ve been doing!
Redneck Circumcision
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
Put Your Jacket on Backwards
Two bikers were riding down a country road on a Harley. The driver’s
leather jacket wouldn’t stay closed because the zipper had broken, so he
pulled over. “Just put your jacket on backwards,” his buddy suggested.
Then they zoomed off down the road, until they hit a curve at high speed
and crashed. A farmer found them and called the police.
“Is either of them showing any sign of life?” asked the officer.
“Well, the first one was” replied the farmer, “until I turned his head
around the right way.”
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"
It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement, but followed it
by several remarks — usual communication traffic between him,
the other astronauts and mission control. Before he reentered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people have questioned as to what the “Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05
Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally
responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front
of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorksy. As Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
“Oral sex! It’s oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!”
Monicagate sells soap
An Israeli soap powder company is using the U.S. presidential sex scandal to sell stain-removing detergent.In a television commercial, the Lever Israel company suggests that its Biomat detergent can deal with even the most stubborn stains caused by what has euphemistically been called DNA material.It shows ”FBI agents” entering the ”home” of Monica Lewinsky to remove, wash and return the dress at the center of an investigation into whether President Bill Clinton had an affair with the former White House intern and told her to lie about it.For what the company called legal reasons, the spelling of Lewinsky’s name on a mailbox outside the house was Monika Lavinsky.But the two agents slip up in their apparent mission to protect the president.On leaving the house, they report by wrist radio the dress is now ”whiter then white” — only to be told by a voice in their earpieces: ”White? But it’s a blue dress.”The commercial, already aired on Israeli news programs, premiered on Monday to coincide with Clinton’s closed circuit television testimony to a federal grand jury.”We believe that this kind of humor will help us reach the consumer,” Yair Sharett, a Lever Israel representative, told Reuters
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.