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Author: admin
A TEENAGER IS…
– A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone
number.
– A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
– A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
– Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother
calling from the next room.
– A whiz that can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make
a bed.
– A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for
her driver’s license.
– A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.
– An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes.
– A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
– A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
– A budding beauty that never smiles until her braces come off.
– A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs
mowing.
– An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.
The Clinton Family Tree
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.”
Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.”
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my halfbrother.”
Hillary just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”
What a Pity
A boy reads in a newspaper that children in an average American family
watches at least 600 violent movies on television each year. The boy tells
his friend this and says, “What a pity, I’ve been watching the wrong
channels!”
PMS “Humor”
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this
house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the
light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the
chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID
#)&*!@!! LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.
WHY???
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM GARBAGE THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
CLEAN THIS HOUSE!!!
~~
Personally it sounds like domestic abuse to me, but, hey, I just post them… –Editor
Top 10 ways you know your a redneck
10. You scratch your back with a toilet brush.
9. your dad walks you to school because you are in the same
grade.
8. you call 5th grade your senior year.
7. your grandma and your aunt went to a funeral and the faught
over who was the window.
6. you watch Joe Dirt and you don’t get it
5. your name is Joe Dirt.
4. you think Kid Rock is a World leader.
3. you stare at the orange juice box for hours because it say
concentrate.
2. your pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.
1. you have been married 4 times and you still have the same
in-laws
2 blondes
two blondes walk into a bar …. well you would have thought one of them had noticed it!!!!!
Short fuse
A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says,
‘What a great chest you have.’
The bodybuilder tells her,
‘That’s 500 kg of dynamite.’
He takes off his pants and the woman says,
‘What massive calves you have.’
The bodybuilder tells her,
‘That’s 500 kg of dynamite.’
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies,
‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.’
Dentist chair
This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman then says with anticipated agony, “Ooooohhhh, I’d rather have a baby!”
To which the dentist replies: “Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair.”
Guinness and women
This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the
results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive,
failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when
wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Excuses are like bodies; everybody
Excuses are like bodies; everybody has one!
The facts, although interesting, are
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.