Guy with sex problem

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.�

The psychiatrist asked him lots of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problem.� Finally he asked. ” Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“And how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt he was getting somewhere. “That’s very interesting, we must look into this further.”

“Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That is somewhat unusual. How and why only once?”

“She was watching us through the window!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Seeing God

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction ,and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured ,she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?”

God Replied,”I didn’t recognize you.”

Girls Should Know

20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know

1. We’re not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don’t treat us like garbage – what goes around comes around.

6. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you.

7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.

8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.

9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It’s just wrong.

10. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us.

11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, ‘NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

12. Just cause you think you’re always right, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize when you do something wrong.

13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

14. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

15. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

17. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you should put it up when you’re done.

18. Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t turn us on.

19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.

20. We know you’re not always right, but we’ll pretend like you are anyway.

IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0-5 people: you will have bad luck

6-10 people: your crush will notice you

10-15 people: your crush will kiss you

15+ people: your crush will fall in love with you!

“lettuce,tomato”

One night this boy named jacob had brung a girl over named jessica. jacob had a brother the two brothers slept in bunck beds the smaller boy slept on the bottom.jessica and jacob both wanted to have sex but didnt want the little boy to know.so,jacob said to jessica to say lettuce if she wants it harder and tamato if she wants it softer.All you could here was “lettuce,tomato,lettuce,tomato,lettuce,tomato!”

the little boy at the bottom of the bunck said”stop making sandwitchs your getting mayonase all over me!”.

Bragging Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Fatal

Uncle Max was 89 years old and he wanted to marry a 24 year old girl.

I told him, “You can’t marry a 24 year old girl.”

He said, “Why not?”

I said, “If you marry a 24 year old girl, you’ll have to have sex with her and that could be fatal!”

He thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well if she dies, she dies!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Breaking Off the Engagement

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
“Can she cook like I can?” the distraught woman asked between sobs.

“Not on her best day,” he replied.

“Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?”

“No, she’s broke.”

“Well, then, is it sex?”

“Nobody does it like you, babe.”

“Then what can she do that I can’t?”

“…Sue me for child support.”

The closet

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

So he sits down with his friend and tells him, ”Friend, I got a dilemma.”

The friend asks him, ”What’s the problem?”

He says, ”Well, I went on my honeymoon and I was excited because I would make love to her for the first time.”

And the friend asks, ”So what is the problem?”

”Let me finish,” says the friend. ”when the time came, my wife took out her orthopaedic leg, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her arm, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her eye, and finally took off her hair and put them both in the closet.”

”Wow,” says his friend, ”and what seems to be the dilemma?”

”Well,” says the guy, ”I don’t know if I should make love to her on the bed or in the closet.”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis