Author: admin

If men ruled the world:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward
your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice
hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. We never ejaculate prematurely. 4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.5. When we buy a vibrator it’s glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, it’s pathetic. 6. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 8. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 9. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 10. Taxis stop for us. 11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 12. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?). 14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we’re gay. 15. We know the truth about whether size matters.16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 17. If we have sex with someone and don’t call the next day, we’re not the devil. 18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. 19. We can sleep our way to the top. 20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep. 21. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos. 23. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves. 24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected. 25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. 26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse. 28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 30. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute. 31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month. 32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot. 34. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth. 35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 36. Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable. 37. We’ll never regret piercing our ears. 38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.