Author: admin

Spot!

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A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

“Spot!” she called out sharply.

“I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he shits on you!”

After I’m Gone

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Fred had not been feeling well, so he went to his long time doctor. The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room. “Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really don’t know how to tell you. I’ve rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live.” “Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order.” The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. “Did you hear about Fred?” “Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!” This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred. “Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?” “Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live.” “But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS.” “Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I don’t want anyone screwing my wife!”

The French

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Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
People were confused about which side to spit on.

Abolish the tricolor in flavor of a new flag: a whoite cross emblazoned on a white background.

American to Frenchman: “Do you speak German?”” Frenchman “”No””
American””You’re welcome””

“

New Year’s Letter

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Dear Pal:Well here it is, the end of another year, and as is my custom I take out a little time to write a few of my good friends, it is the time when I remember all the good things that have happened to me in the past twelve months. When I reflect on the value of the friendships I have cherished over the years. When, in fact, I indulge myself to the extent of waxing a bit sentimental.It’s a snowy evening, the doorbell rings, intermittently, but here in my den it is cozy and comfortable and peaceful. I’m sitting before a nice open fire with my typewriter, sort of half-listening to the hi-fi, and slowly sipping a nice very dry double Martini. I surely wish you were here but since you are not, the least I can do is toast your health and happiness for the coming year so time out, old pal, while I bend my elbow with thoughts of you.I just took a recess to mix another Martini and while I was out in the kitchen I thought of all the time I would waste during the evening, chasing back and forth, so I just make up a big picther of martinies and broughggt it back in with me so I’d have it right here beside me and wouldn’t have to wast time making more of them. So now I’m all set and here goes pal. Besides Marinis are a great drink. For some reason they never seem to have the effect on me in the slightest that they have on oter fellas. Can drinj them all day longg so here goes.The greatest think in tje whole word is friendship. A n believe me pal you are the greatet pal anybody every had. do you rember all the swel; times we had to gether pal/ The wonferful times on the road I8ll never forgt the time we were in Tledo and met that babe in the swlloon that redhesd. You rescl you.I remenber you kept puting brandey in my drinj whehn I wasennt looking and it make me sicj and you rascale you snuck ofd with the redheed brod. Ha. ha. Boy hoew we laughd dint’t we. It was pretty funny anywah. I still laught abot it onec in whiel. Not as mcuch as usd to. But whag the hell after all you stilk my bedst old pal pal. And if a guy canot havr a laughg with a treu froe, md once in a wihle waht the fuxk.Escue me. Pictcher was empt so I just mde nother one. hot dam. I sure wish yoi were her olf pal help me drinj thes Martuni because they arw simptly delidious. I lifty my glasx to you good health oncemore you are the bests pall I got. Of cours why a pal would do a dirrty thing like that load up a pals drinj with branidy mak him sick as a dof, lousyt thing for antbody to do, onlhy a firdt class prock wold do a thing lije that. Wasnet a bit funny and if yoi thinj its funnyu you are aboyt the worsr dhit heeel I evre had the midforyune to make the aquantentce of you somb of birfh lous and as far as I am concerbed yot can go to helk and on th way kisa me ass.

Nine Martini Nightcap

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A tired looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man’s request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn.

Finally, the bartender has to ask. “Why all the drinks?”

“Celebrating!”

“Oh? What’s the occasion?”

“My first blowjob.”

“Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten.”

“No thanks. If this doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help any.”

Llega un barco Ruso a

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Llega un barco Ruso a un puerto latinoamericano. Toda la tripulaci�n se dispone ir a la ciudad a buscar mujeres para complacer sus necesidades sexuales, pero se les advierte del alto indice de SIDA en el puerto y de que no deben tener relaciones sin usar cond�n.

Entonces todos los rusos van hacia la �nica farmacia abierta en la ciudad a comprar condones, pero por m�s muecas que hacen no logran hacer entender al vendedor que quieren condones ya que no hablan ni ingles ni espa�ol. Muy frustrados se regresan al barco, pero un marinero inteligente se va a la farmacia, se baja el pantal�n, se saca el pito, lo coloca sobre el mostrador y pone un billete de un d�lar al lado. Entonces el encargado se queda viendo y piensa:

“Ummm… �Ah, ya s�! Lo que este ruso quiere es un cond�n”, y el ruso muy feliz corre al barco y le avisa a todos como hizo para conseguirlo.

Todos los rusos van a la misma farmacia y hacen lo mismo, se bajan el pantal�n se sacan la pija, la colocan en el mostrador y al lado un billete de a d�lar. Pero a todo esto el encargado hab�a salido a comer y lo reemplazaba temporalmente un negrito ayudante. Este, al ver a aquel monton de rusos piensa:

“Umm… �Ah, ya s� qu� quieren estos rusos!”, entonces se baja el pantalon, saca aquella enorme pija, la coloca sobre el mostrador y dice:

“Bueno, bueno, se�ores lo siento mucho pero la casa gana.” Y recoge todos los billetes.

The Ten Commandments of Love

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I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darned weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

Never talk to the parrot

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Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He
couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to
go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a
large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot,
and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the
whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove
him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why
don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”