Author: admin

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher

Spouse’s Name:_____________

2nd Spouse’s Name:_______________

3rd Spouse’s Name:_______________

Lover’s Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression,
he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the
river.”
With even greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world,
I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And finally, he cried, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it
and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he then sat down.
After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with
a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the
River’.”

�Por qu� el soltero est� siempre delgado y el casado gordo?

Porque el soltero al llegar a casa, abre la heladera, dice “siempre lo mismo”, y se va a la cama. El casado, se va a la cama, dice “siempre lo mismo” y abre la heladera.

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, “You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed.” The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust.”What? I’m not going to go through this. You know I’ll never reach the bed!” And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist’s eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.”Don’t you realize that you’ll never reach her?” The physicist smiles and replied, “Of course! But I’ll get close enough for all practical purposes!”

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr.Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey…Is dat you? Come over here a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten.

So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris, “Try doing your work with the engine running.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis