En un manicomio se encontraban

En un manicomio se encontraban unos m�dicos haciendo un ex�men a los locos. El tema trataba sobre la identificaci�n de las partes del cuerpo.

Pasa el primer loco y le preguntan, ense��ndole una mano: “�Qu� es esto?”, a lo que el loco contesta: “es la nariz.” Y los m�dicos lo retiran por no dar una respuesta correcta.

Pasa el segundo loco y le hacen la misma pregunta que al primero: “�Qu� es esto?” (mostr�ndole la mano). Y el loco contesta: “Es la boca.”

Y as� siguieron pasando varios locos sin que contestaran correctamente hasta que llega el �ltimo:

Interroga un m�dico: “�Qu� es esto? (ense��ndole la mano derecha). Contesta el loco: “Es la mano derecha.”

“�Y esto?” (ense��ndole la mano izquierda). Contesta el loco: “Es la mano izquierda.”

“�Y esto?” (pregunta otro m�dico mostrando la nariz). “Pues la nariz.”

El loco contesta correctamente a todas y cada una de las preguntas que le hacen, y los m�dicos deciden darlo de alta del manicomio.

Cuando le van a comunicar que ser� dado de alta, le preguntan sus compa�eros: Oye, �c�mo le hiciste para contestar correctamente todas las preguntas? A lo que responde el loco, toc�ndose con el �ndice la sien derecha: “�Mucha nalga, mucha nalga!”

JESUS CHRIST

There is girl in school called Mary and she keeps on falling asleep in class. The teacher asks her, “Who is our savior?” A boy behind her pokes her with a pencil. Then Mary yells, “Jesus Christ!” The teacher says, “Good.” Then the teacher asks, “Who died on the cross.” Then the boy again pokes her. Then Mary yells, “Jesus Christ!” The teacher says, “Good.” The teacher asks, ” What did Eve do after she had her 23 child.” The boy pokes again. Then Mary yells, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’m going to brake it in half.

Oh great Buddah help

A man is learning to skydive. His instructor tells him that when he reaches a certain elevation, he has to release his parachute. The instructor tells him”Pull this chord, and if it doesn’t work, pull the other one.”So the man gets ready to jump, and out of the blue he asks, “What if both the chords don’t work?” The instructor replies,”Then you yell ‘Oh great buddah help me!'” So the man jumps. He pulls the first chord, it doesn’t work. The second chord doesn’t work either. So he yells at the top of his lungs, “OH GREAT BUDDAH HELP ME!” All of a sudden a giant hand comes out of nowhere and catches him. The man then said, “Thank God”, and the hand dropped him.

Dumb blonde

A blonde walks in a store and says i would like to buy that tv the clerk says im sorry mam we dont sell stuff to blondes. So she goes and puts a wig that has red hair and goes back in the store and says i would like to buy that tv he says sorry mam we dont sell stuff to blondes. so she goes outside and put a wig that had brown hair and said i would like to buy that tv he says sorry mam we dont sell stuff to blondes she says how do you no every time that im a blonde? he says “well mam that is not a tv thats a microwave” HA HA

Tough Mice

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a
shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee — just for an extra jolt to start off each day.”

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey —
throws his glass on the floor and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet — then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine.”

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says…
“I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat!”

50 Years

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his
wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered,� What do you say…Should we?” Whereupon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as
hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other
one’s in your oatmeal.”

Scotch

A man walked into a bar and ordered a 12-year-old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, “I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a three-year-old one.”

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right — he had served him a three-year-old scotch.

The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this time a six-year-old one.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, “I asked for a
12-year-old scotch, not a six-year-old one.”

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a 12-year-old one, as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, “I think I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a nine-year-old one.”

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded 12-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, “This is what I asked for in the first place.”

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to take a sip.

The fellow did so, spat it out and said, “Good Lord, that’s piss!”

The other man added, “Now tell me how old I am.”

Edited by calamjo and curtis

Dubya Quotes

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”…George W. Bush”Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” …Governor George W. Bush”Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” …Governor George W. Bush”Mars is essentially in the same orbit…Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”…Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94″The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”…Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95″I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change.”…Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98″One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and thatone word is ‘to be prepared’.” …Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93″Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” …Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96″I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.” …Governor George W. Bush”The future will be better tomorrow.” …Governor George W. Bush”We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.” …Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97″People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”…Governor George W. Bush”I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”…Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93″We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”…Governor George W. Bush”Public speaking is very easy.” …Governor George W. Bush to reporters “I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican”…Governor George W. Bush”A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”…Governor George W. Bush”When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”…George W. Bush”Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”…Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96″We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”…Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97″For NASA, space is still a high priority.”…Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93″Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.” …Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95″The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.”…Governor George W. Bush”We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.” …Governor George W. Bush”It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”…Governor George W. Bush”[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”…Governor George W. Bush

One Sentence Sermons

Be Fishers of Men…. You catch ’em, He’ll clean ’em.A family altar can alter a family.A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!Forbidden fruits create many jams.Give God what’s right, not what’s left!Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called.God grades on the cross, not the curve.God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts.”God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!He who angers you, controls you!He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.”Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere.Prayer – Don’t give God instructions – just report for duty!The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.This Church is “Prayer Conditioned!”To be almost saved is to be totally lost.WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!We don’t change the message; the message changes us.We set the sail; God makes the wind.We’re too blessed to be depressed.Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern, but you can’t convince it to move out.