Going To Bed

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.”

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, “I thought you were going to bed.”
“I’m on my way,” she said.

She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular “I’m going to bed,” and he did.

Stupid People (here’s your sign)

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope -Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked “So..is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said “no I’m delivering’ a bridge…here’s your sign.”I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said “Are you still here?” I replied, “No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here’s your sign.”

Amazing

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if he’d pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isn’t quite amazed yet.

So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouse’s playing.

The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing he’s ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.

Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says “Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!”

The man agrees, and sells him the frog.

After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, “Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.”

The man says, “Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.”

Tres hombres mueren y en

Tres hombres mueren y en el cielo los recibe San Pedro. Eran un jud�o, un italiano y un negro. Los tres hombres muy sorprendidos y atribulados por su muerte, le ruegan a San Pedro que les d� otra oportunidad de vida en la tierra; San Pedro, muy misericordioso, les concede la oportunidad con una condici�n para cada uno.

Le dice primeramente al italiano: “Si comes un pedazo de pizza en la tierra, vuelves inmediatamente.

Al Judio le dice: “Si tocas una moneda tan siquiera, vuelves inmediatamente.”

Y al Negro: “Si le haces el amor a alguien, vuelves inmediatamente.”

Bueno… estando los tres en la tierra, caminan juntos y pasan por una pizzer�a y el italiano no resiste la tentaci�n de comer un pedazo y apenas lo muerde… �pufff! �desaparece!

Los otros dos al verlo, saben que San Pedro no hablaba en broma; entonces siguen el jud�o y el negro caminando juntos y el jud�o ve una moneda en el piso. Al no resistir la tentaci�n se inclina a recogerla y… �pufff! �desaparece el negro!

A Blonde Question.

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”

“I just want to know why you can’t ring the bell for yourself?”

What Hallmark Doesn’t Print:

1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mend. Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh, when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don’t fret about it, she moved in with me.

7. You totalled your car and can’t remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

The Top 13 Reasons You’re Having Trouble Finding a Job

13> You list “smokin’ weed” as a hobby on the job application.

12> Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to “pull your finger.”

11> All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock puppet, “Socky.”

10> You’re not willing to risk being downsized since you’re not so sure it really doesn’t refer to your penis.

9> In your zealousness to pad, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML.

8> After your interview tantrums, so-called “Equal Opportunity Employers” don’t seem to be buying your “Tourette’s Syndrome” excuse.

7> “Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug” doesn’t look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.

6> Even though Yanni sells all those records, there’s no job market for “masters of the pan flute.”

5> Small-minded employers find “alien abductions” unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.

4> Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.

3> You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit “just in case of enemy attack.”

2> Apparently, the high-priced-gigolo-to-Daycare-worker transition is one of the tougher ones.

1> Still busy looking for the real killers.

Why dicks suck

Why it sucks being a dick!

10. You’ve got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you’re Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman