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A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
“Where’s Henry? one of his campmates asked.”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?
Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.
First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: “Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.”
But I accidentally said: “You ruined my life you fucking bitch!”
Support the right to arm bears.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
(Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
(Age 32)
1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week
(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald’s on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
(Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m emoting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
(Age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when…
(Age 72)
1. Breathing…..
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
– has to work hard;
– has to work at great depths;
– has to work upside down;
– has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
– has to work in a high humidity environment;
– has to work at high temperatures;
– does not get weekends and holidays off;
– does not get time off after extra hours of work;
– has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
Request DENIED for the following reasons:
– does not work 8 hours in a row;
– does not answer immediately to all requests;
– does not have a degree;
– after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
– shows no fidelity to the workplace;
– retires too early;
– does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
– does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
yo mamas so fat she stepped on our dogs tail and we had to rename him beaver
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
– Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxiy
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100 percent at work… 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays.
And help me to remember that… When I’m having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.
Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing
and so eager to please that he decided to “work late” and to
take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her
he would be late and she replied, “No problem.”
So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy
restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with
her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when
the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the
secretary’s home, they did the wild thing for over two hours.
When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up
and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed
that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he
was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic. But
he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was
getting quite late.
Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and
scratching at the door. He thought, “Aha! I got an idea.” He
entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off
the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and
exclaimed, “Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!”
Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said,
“That’s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!”
Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out. The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.’Mr Wong, I’m afraid you have a cataract’He replies, ‘No I don’t – I drive lincoln town car!’
Un viajante va por el desierto montado en su camello. De pronto, el animal se detiene y se niega a caminar. Desesperado, el viajero mira a su alrededor y, a lo lejos, logra divisar un local con un letrero en grandes letras:
SE REPARAN CAMELLOS
Alegre, corre hacia all� y encuentra a un �rabe que le ofrece repararlo por 20 d�lares. El tipo los paga y el moro manda una gr�a para traer al camello. Cuando �ste es tra�do, el due�o del local ordena:
“S�banlo a la rampa”.
El animal es subido en la rampa y, con dos enormes piedras, le golpean en los test�culos. El dromedario sale corriendo como alma en pena. Sorprendido, el due�o del animal pregunta:
“Y yo, �c�mo lo voy a alcanzar?”
El �rabe grita:
“S�banlo a la rampa”.