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Hillbilly father talking to his newlywed son: How’s yer new bride?
Son: I had to kill her, Pa. She was a virgin.
Dad: Yew done tha right thang, son. If she weren’t good enuf fer her own kin, then she ain’t good enuf fer ours!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
On a flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
WOMEN’S RIGHTS
The following took place at an international conference for women’s rights.
The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, “During last year’s conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”
(The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, “After last year’s conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
(The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said,” After lass year’s conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued………………………
“Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.
Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,
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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.”
Words From Famous Women …
“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
“I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job.” – Roseanne
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.” – Rita Rudner
“He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant” – Carol
Leifer
“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” – Wendy Liebman
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.” – Roseanne
“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT?” – Wendy Liebman
“I think-therefore I’m single” – Lizz Winstead
“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” – Hedy Lamarr
“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” – Elayne Boosler
“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” – Gilda Radner
“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”- Maryon Pearson
“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” – Bella Abzug
“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” – Margaret Thatcher
“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” – Gloria Steinem
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” – Gloria Steinem
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” – Katharine Hepburn
“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” – Marie Corelli
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” – Linda Ellerbee
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Q. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
A. It’s called UPMS – they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman.
Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says, “She is really big and fat isn’t she daddy?”
The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down.
In a few minutes the little boy yells out, “She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!”
The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son, “We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don’t do it again.”
The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman’s beeper went off.
He then yelled, “Look out daddy, she is backing up!”
Un tontiland�s le dice al otro:
“Oye, Manolo, p�same otro champ�.”
“Pero si ah� en el ba�o hay uno…”
“S� hombre, pero �ste es para cabello seco y yo ya me lo he mojado.”
Un negro se encontr� una lampara m�gica de la cual sale un genio que le dice que solo puede concederle tres deseos porque esta muy cansado.
El negro le dice: “quiero ser blanco” y al momento su piel se hace blanca, maravillado el ex-negro le pide al genio que convierta a su mujer en blanca, y va corriendo a su casa para comprobarlo y se encuentra a su mujer con la piel blanca, el ex negro contento a m�s no poder, decide esperar a su hijo para preguntarle si quiere ser blanco, y cuando llega �ste le dice:
“Hola hijo.”
El hijo le dice: “Yo a usted no lo conozco.”
“Pero soy tu padre y quer�a preguntarte si quieres ser blanco.”
A lo que el hijo responde:
“Pero pap�, yo quiero seguir siendo negro estoy conforme con mi raza.”
“Pero hijo, si eres blanco la sociedad te va a aceptar y te trataran mejor.”
“No, pap�, yo quiero ser negro y me averg�enzo de ti por pedirme que sea blanco”. Y el hijo se va de la casa llorando.
Entonces el ex-negro dice:
“No llevo ni 10 minutos como blanco y ya tengo l�os con estos negros desgraciados!”
A farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog.
So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to
breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they
were done, brought his hog back to his farm.
The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was
not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was
ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher
class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back
home.
But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time
he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of
one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then
wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.
In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go
see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for
him. The wife came back and told her husband, “Well, she ain’t pregnant,
but she’s in the cart and ready to go.”
What do u call a blonde?
A redhead with the fire f***ed out of her.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were in a BREAST-STROKE
swimming competition. The brunette won, the redhead came in
just moments after her, and the blonde finished 45 minutes
later. Afterward, a reporter was asking the blonde why it took
her that long. She said, “I saw the other girls using their
hands; isn’t that cheating?”
There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.
The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.
The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.
The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.
The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.