Q. What goes 99 click? A. A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Como ba�arse como un hombre:
Como ba�arse como un hombre:
1. Te quitas toda la ropa mientras est�s sentado en la cama y la dejas tirada en el suelo.
2. Te vas desnudo hasta el ba�o. Si ves a tu novia/esposa en el camino, le ense�as el huevo y haces un sonido como elefante.
3. Te paras frente al espejo para ver tu f�sico. Metes la barriga, te ves el tama�o del huevo en el espejo, te rascas las bolas y te hueles las manos por �ltima vez antes de ba�arte.
4. Te metes en la ducha.
5. No te preocupes por buscar los pa�itos (t� no los usas).
6. Te lavas la cara con jab�n azul.
7. Te cagas de la risa por lo alto que se oye cuando te tiras un peo dentro de la ducha.
8. Te lavas tus partes privadas y alrededores.
9. Te lavas el culo y dejas un poco de pelo en el jab�n.
10. Te lavas el pelo con cualquier champoo. (no usar acondicionador)
11. Te haces un peinado “PUNK”.
12. Abres la cortina de la ducha para verte en el espejo el peinado.
13. Te meas dentro de la ducha.
14. Te quitas todo el shampoo y el jab�n y te sales de inmediato de la ducha. No te das cuenta que todo el ba�o est� mojado porque dejaste la cortina por fuera de la ducha
15. te medio secas
16. Te vez otra vez en el espejo. Sacas los m�sculos y te miras el tama�o de huevo.
17. Dejas la cortina abierta y la alfombra del ba�o mojada.
18. Dejas la luz del ba�o y el ventilador prendido.
19. Regresas a tu cuarto con un pa�o en la cintura. Si vez a tu novia/esposa en el camino te quitas el pa�o, le ense�as el huevo y vuelves a hacer un sonido como elefante.
20. Tiras el pa�o mojado en la cama y te vistes en 2 min.
Don’t try this at home!
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Quickies
Famous Bumper Stickers
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot either!
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician!!
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
Meet the Beatles
The following are excerpts of interviews with the Beatles.
Reporter: Do you date much?
Ringo: What are you doing tonight?
Reporter: Ringo, why do you think you get more fan mail than
anyone else in the group?
Ringo: I don’t know. I suppose it’s because more people write me.
Reporter: How did you find America?
Ringo: We went to Greenland and make a left turn.
Reporter: Is it true you can’t sing?
John pointing to George: Not me. Him.
Reporter: Do you resent fans ripping up your sheets for
souvenirs?
Ringo: No, I don’t mind. So long as I’m not in them while the
ripping is going on.
Reporter: Do you like topless bathing suits?
Ringo: We’ve been wearing them for years.
Reporter: Girls rushed toward my car because it had press
identification on it and they thought I met you. How do you
explain this phenomenon?
John: You’re lovely to look at.
Reporter: You were at the Playboy Club last night. What did you
think of it?
Paul: The Playboy and I are just good friends.
Reporter: There’s a “Stamp Out the Beatles” movement underway in
Detroit. What are you going to do about it?
Paul: We’re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.
Reporter: Beethoven figures in one of your songs. What do you
think of Beethoven?
Ringo: He’s great. Especially his poetry.
Reporter: Who thought up the name, Beatles?
Paul: I thought of it.
Reporter: Why?
Paul: Why not?
Reporter: What do you think of the criticism that you are not
very good?
George: We’re not.
Reporter: When you do a new song, how do you decide who sings
the lead?
John: We just get together and whoever knows most of the words
sings the lead.
Reporter: Does all the adulation from teenage girls affect you?
John: When I feel my head start to swell, I look at Ringo and
know perfectly well we’re not supermen.
Reporter: What’s your reaction to a Seattle psychiatrist’s
opinion that you are a menace?
George: Psychiatrists are a menace.
Q. What’s the speed
Q. What’s the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Chem one-liners 01
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. — Mike AdamsChemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker? None. That’s what organic chemists are for!It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. –quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T — D.L. BunkerQ: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?A: KNiFe.
Yo momma
your mommas so fat she fell in the grand canyon and got stuck
your mommas so slow she go hit by a parked car
your mommas so fat when she gos to the cinema she sits next to every one
your mommas so dumb she tryed to drown a gold fish
your mommas so ugly if my dog had the face of her i would shave its bum and train it to walk backwards
Newfie Discovers Himself
A Newfie man goes out on the town, stops in at a bar. He spots a gorgeous looking blonde and trys to pick her up.
The blonde says “sorry, I’m not that way inclined” and points to a gorgeous looking brunnette sitting across from her at the bar. The blonde goes on to tell the Newfie all the lovely sexual things she would like to do with the Brunette.
At this point the Newfie starts to cry and the blonde asks “what’s wrong with you?”. The Newfie responds “I think I just found out I’m a Lesbian too!”
The story of jack and jill
jack and jill went up the hill
to get some maryjane.
jack got high and dropped his fly
and asked jill”do you wanna?”
jill said yes and dropped her dress
and they started to have fun.
but silly jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.
What’s the bestialitist’s motto?…
What’s the bestialitist’s motto?
In dogs we thrust.
Decorating Nuns
Two nuns were asked by the Mother Superior to decorate the inside of the monastery, but under no cicumstances were they to get even one drop of paint on their habits. After an hour of really slow going, one nun says “This is far too slow. Why don’t we take off our clothes, finish decorating, then re-dress again? No-one will know…” And that’s exactly what they did.
But before long there came a knock at the front door so, quite startled, the first nun calls “Who is it?”
“I’m the blind man” came the reply. So the nuns relax and the first goes off and opens the door.
“Wow, great body lady! Now where do you want these blinds…?”