A blonde walks up to a horse and gets on, suddenly the horse takes off, galloping wildly. The blonde falls off and get her foot stuck in the stirrup! The horse keeps going and the blonde is bouncing along the ground, screaming for help. Then, the Wal-mart employee comes out and unplugs the horse.
Author: admin
Know When To Leave When You Are Around A Redneck
When somebody says,”Watch this y’all!””
“
The Old Lady’s Car Jacking!
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males
in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she
knows how to use it and that she will if required so get out of
the car.
The 4 men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers
seat. Small problem, her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car
was identical and parked four/five spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the
counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by
a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.
Flying condom
Why did the condom fly across the room
It got pissed off!
THE PROFESSOR SAYS…
When professors say this . . .they really mean this!
* this needs some minor revision. – i never actually got around to reading
this.
* my office hours are by appointment only. – i like to get out of here
early.
* ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. – i’ll be
fudging your grades.
* this won’t be on the test. – nap time!
* bring the text to class. – i don’t have a clue how to lecture–we’ll just
kill time with group read-along.
* he’s not fully up to speed on that. – he’s got his head up his ass.
* i don’t have the latest department guidelines. – i’ve got my head up my
ass.
* let’s check with dr. so-and-so on that before we proceed. – i’ve got my
head up his ass.
* talk to the department secretary. – piss off.
* talk to me in my office after class. – get out of my face.
* the tests will all be multiple-choice. – i take questions directly from the
study guide and have grad students do all my grading.
* don’t come in late during my lecture. – i have the attention span of a fruit
fly.
* save your questions until the end. – see above.
* the final will be comprehensive. – i’ll expect you to recapitulate in two
hours everything i couldn’t fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
* everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. – this course is outside
my specialty–i’ll just bluff it and let you teach.
* there are two tas available to help you. – i can’t be bothered.
* this year i’ll be scaling the grades. – i just passed tenure review.
* let’s break up into quiet discussion groups. – i have a hangover.
* let’s have class outdoors today! – i had beans for lunch.
* you won’t be able to sell back the text to the bookstore. – my contract
wasn’t picked up.
* please note the last day to withdraw. – the midterm’s gonna suck.
* the answer to number 4 is “b,” and just skip number 17. – i only got around
to making up the test last night.
* the second list is optional reading. – i have a rich fantasy life.
* i haven’t had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. – the
a****** department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible
minute.
* well, it was on the syllabus. – i’ll hold you responsible for this
even though i forgot about it myself.
* we’ll just skip the term paper this semester. – there wasn’t enough in the
budget for a ta.
* bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. – see above.
* attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. – i’m so boring
that no one would show up otherwise.
* read chapters 5 through 10. – i’m not coming in at all next week.
* we’ll have to cover this chapter quickly. – i screwed up the lecture
schedule.
* let’s go over the exam. – half of you failed.
* it was in the textbook. – i pulled it out of my ass.
* extra credit is available. – i need some s*** work done.
Maried Three Times & Still a Virgin
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, “Please promise to be gentle,… I am still a virgin.”
The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married 3 times before.”
The bride responds… “Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”
“My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”
“And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was……………..God I miss him!”
Rattlesnake
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics.
That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes.
Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk.
He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake.
Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.
The note said, “I missed!”
Candy Bars Rejected by Hersheys
16. Kevorkian Krunch — dying for some chocolate?
15. Spittles
14. The 100,000 Peso Bar
13. Hershey’s Hickeys — when Kisses just ain’t enough…
12. Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cups
11. Buttafucofinger
10. Rocky Mountain Oyster Pops
9. Prunettes — for the mature Raisinette lover
8. Malted Mothballs
7. Boutros-Boutros Bon-Bons
6. Pepsodent Patty
5. Phlegm & M’s
4. Leper Bears — melt in your mouth AND in your hands
3. Boogerfinger
2. That Ain’t Nougat!
1. Zits Ahoy
A $500 Look
A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife says, “I’ll get it” and wraps a towel around her. She opens the door and sees that it’s her nextdoor neighbor. The neighbor notices that she’s in her towel and says, “Damn your fine! I’ll give you $500 right now if you’ll open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours” She says, “$500? Right now?” He says, “Yeah right now.” She agrees and opens her towel and lets him get a real good look. He hands her the $500 and goes back home. She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who was at the door and she says that it was the nextdoor neighbor. He said, “Cool! Did he have my 500 bucks?”
Voodoo D
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except — ” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the
‘voodoo dick.'”
“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said “Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”
Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexual
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn.”
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
4. Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May
issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active…..
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style.”
A caller named Eileen from Dearborn Heights…
A caller named Eileen from Dearborn Heights was stopped at a red light on
West Road in Trenton when she saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of her:
Honk if you love Jesus
She does, so she did.
The driver got out with what looked like a sawed-off baseball bat, and
smashed dents into her hood.