Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:”Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?””Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.””What sort of trouble?””Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.””Went away?””They disappeared.””Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?””Nothing.””Nothing?””It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.””Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?””How do I tell?””Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?””What’s a sea-prompt?””Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?””There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.””Does your monitor have a power indicator?””What’s a monitor?””It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?””I don’t know.””Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?””Yes, I think so.””Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.””…….Yes, it is.””When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?””No.””Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.””…….Okay, here it is.””Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.””I can’t reach.””Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?””No.””Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?””Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.””Dark?””Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.””Well, turn on the office light then.””I can’t.””No? Why not?””Because there’s a power outage.””A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?””Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.””Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.””Really? Is it that bad?””Yes, I’m afraid it is.””Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?””Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
Author: admin
IQ Test
1. How long did The Hundred Years’ War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From what animal do we get catgut?
4. In what month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is Camel’s hairbrush made from?
6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI’s first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years’ War last?
You think you’re so smart, don’t you?
Here are the answers:
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. In 1937 on the abdication of his brother King Edward VII, he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert, the name of her husband.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. 30 years of course. 1618 to 1648.
Kind Eye?
A man is convicted of murdering a woman. The man then goes to a
lawyer and asks how much it would be to support his case. “Five
hundred dollars!” “Five Hundred dollars? I don’t have that much
money! Is there anyway you can lower the price?” “Well,” says
the lawyer, “I have one glass eye. Tell me which eye is the
glass one and I’ll support your case for free.” Immediately the
man says, “The left eye.” “Wow!” goes the lawyer, “How did you
know?” The man then replies, “It’s the one with the kind
expression.”
So Stupid
Yo mama’s so stupid she rents a car so she can go to the dealership to steal a car.
It is easier to take
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
Advice to northerner
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in “big ol truck”, or “big ol boy”.”Fixin'”, as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”, is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
Don Jacobo, padre de Rebeca,
Don Jacobo, padre de Rebeca, preocupado por �sta, le pregunta:
“Querida Rebeca, �tienes alg�n pretendiente?”
“S� pap�, �tengo tres!”
El padre decide someter a prueba a cada uno de ellos: Abraham, Isaac y Samuel.
Don Jacobo le entrega a Abraham un huevo; a Isaac una naranja y a Samuel un chorizo, y les dice que a la semana deben volver y contarle que hizo cada uno con lo que se llev�.
A la semana llega Abraham y Don Jacobo le pregunta:
“�Qu� hizo con el huevo, Abraham?”
“Bueno… al huevo le romp� la c�scara, la tir� a la basura, me prepar� un huevo frito y me lo com�”.
“�No, mal, mal! Usted desperdici� la c�scara de huevo que picadita, picadita, es comida para p�jaros. No merece casarse con Rebeca. �V�yase!”
Luego llega Isaac y le dice a Don Jacobo:
“Bueno… yo pel� la naranja, me la com� y tir� la c�scara y las semillas”.
El padre de Rebeca enfurecido le dice: “�No, no y no! �Mal, muy mal! La c�scara de naranja es alimento de gallinas. Las semillas se plantan y as� alg�n d�a podr� tener naranjas. T� tampoco mereces la mano de Rebeca. �Vete!”
Finalmente llega Samuel y Don Jacobo, ya indignado, le pregunta: “Bueno… y t�, Samuel, �qu� hiciste con el chorizo?”
“Bueno, Don Jacobo… yo al chorizo le saqu� el hilo y me cos� un bot�n de la camisa; despu�s lo pel� y me com� lo de adentro; con el cuerito me hice un cond�n y me tir� a su hija, y aqu� tiene la leche para el gatito”.
What kind
fukin mother fuker
How to Give Kitty a
How To Give Kitty A Pill1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop the pill in its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in – quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you are doing. That’s just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the the boss here anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill & ….Oooops!9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.13. Flatten cat’s front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man – or woman!15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth & poke gently. Voila! It’s done!17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).18. Take two aspirin & lie down.
A few lil’ insults to remember.
You’re momma so fat, she be sellin’ shade!
You’re momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!
You’re momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!
You’re momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!
You’re momma so poor, her idea of big spendin’ is buyin’ a gumball!
More than a Haircut
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?” T
he barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop an says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
Even the Score
There are older sisters and younger brothers so the womb will be pretty posh for the guy to live in.