How do you know that a blonde cut your grass… your green welcome matt is all torn up.
Author: admin
Things to Do at a Boring Movie
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, “It’s snowing!”
3. Go, “Oooooh…” whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, “Ahhh…”
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, “Can you fast-forward it?”
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, “Watch out!”
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls’ bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, “I’m Batman!
Hahaha!” and run away.
14. Yell, “Fire!” and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend
already is.
16. Yell out loud, “Stop molesting me!”
17. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the head
of the person in front of you.
18. Scream out, “Hey, this isn’t Bambi!”
19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickley
look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when
they turn back to the screen.
20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.
21. Yell to the projectionist, “Can you pause it? I gotta pee!”
Mental Health
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……”
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
Better not ask!
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering… Have you ever cheated on me?”
Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”
“Well, all right, 3 times…”
“3, hmmm, well when were they?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan…
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…”
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me…. So when was number 2?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you…
Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…”
“I can’t believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… all right then, when was number 3?”
“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club …. And you were 97 votes short….”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
A defending attorney
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked,
“Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
“No,” the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
The coroner said, “No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, “No.”
The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not
taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this
way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he
could be out there practicing law somewhere.”
Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!””So?” asked the ducks’ former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth…
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.”Can you imagine,” he demanded, “people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals?And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?”When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the lecturer added, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast.”
Confusing women!!
How do you confuse a woman?? Give her a choice!!
Physicists do it with simple harmonic motion….
Physicists do it with simple harmonic motion.
Asian Lady
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop
for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn’t know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to
say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got
what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her
husband to the store…because he spoke English.
Dog with one eye
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said “Look at that dog with one eye!”
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Why?”