While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, “What do you think you’re doing?”After a moment the man replied, … “Well, I’ve always wanted to strike a happy medium.”
Author: admin
Drunk at Party
There’s a big gala ball on the roof of a fancy hotel. Everyone
is having a great time, except for one guy who’s really drunk,
and is bothering everyone. The guy is busy peeing on a woman’s
leg when a man approaches him and says, “Come over her, I’ve got
something to show you.” He leads the man over to the ledge and
says, “There is actually a magical air pocket surrounding this
building that, if you jump off, will carry you back up to the
floor you jumped from.”
The drunk slurrs, “I don’t believe ya.”
“Here,” says the man, “let me show you.”
The man proceeds to leap of the roof and falls down all ten
floors. Inches before hitting the street, the man begins to rise
back up, and gently lands back on the roof.
“That was amazing!” responds the drunk. “Let me try.”
With that, the drunk tosses away his beer and bounds off the
roof. The drunk continues his descent until he smacks down on the
pavement like a ton of bricks.
As the other man returns to the party, a woman approaches him
and says, “You can be a really ass some times, Superman!”
Gift Test
Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you’d
most like to receive….
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron
1. CANDY
It means that… You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and
hopefully likes to share. OR… You’re a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar
high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS
it means that… You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and
appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR… You get some twisted joy out of
watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM
It means that… You’re a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes
the power and beauty of the written word. OR… You’re used to cheap gifts and
like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and
beauty of the written word.
4. SEX
it means that… You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to
express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical
side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR… You’re a filthy degenerate
who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience
after another.
5. DINNER/DANCING
it means that… You enjoy the company of that special someone and the
romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR… You’re easy to please
and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the
dance floor.
6. WAFFLE IRON
it means that… You’re a practical person who believes in gifts that you can
actually use. OR… You have absolutely no idea of what gift giving is all about
and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen
appliances.
Perfect Couple
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man…
(Women, end e-mail here.!!!! Men, keep scrolling.)
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident. (By the way if you are a woman, and you are reading
this…this brings up another point…women never listen
either….)
Good Tattoos
A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted. He said “OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart”, She did that and he started on the tattoo (the joke goes great if you do all the tattoo-type noises etc.).
Pretty soon he’s done, blows off the dust and admired his work. “Who the fuck’s that?” she says.
“It’s Paul McCartney he says”.
“Doesn’t look like hime at all” says she.
“Now get it right or I’ll report you”.
So the tattooist starts on the othert thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. (Noises again go great when telling the joke). Finally he’s done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good. The woman is pissed off “No fucking way that’s Paul Mccartney” she says.
“It bloody well is” says the man.
“Listen I’ll get a second opinion” He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees.
The guy is a drunk who’s been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattoist drags the drunk into his store. There’s the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist. The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs) “Tell me who the hell you think that is”
The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice) “I’ve no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson”.
I’ve got a rash
This fella goes to the doctor and says”Doctor, I’ve got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?”
The doctor said” put this on and come back next week if it doesn’t work.”
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn’t worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn’t work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn’t worked so the doctor says “Drop your pants.”
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says “Doctor it’s worked!! What was that?”
The doctor replies “Lipstick remover”
Pick up lines
Editor’s note: And they really, really work! Trust me…———If you were a porch I would take out all the nails and screw you.Can I see the tag on your shirt? I want to see if it is made in heaven.If I said you had a nice body would you hold it againest me?”Do you have a quarter? “*What for?* “I want to call my mom and tell her I met the girl of my dreams.”Do you lay on your stomach at night? Can I?–Grace H.Phx. AZ
What Are You In The Bathroom
If you Americna in the livng roo what are you in the Bathroom?………………………
Eu-ro-peein
Llega un t�o a un
Llega un t�o a un puti y pregunta al encargado:
“�Qu� puta ten�is por 5.000 pelas?”
El chulo le informa:
“Planta 5�, puta 7”.
“�Y por 2.000 ptas.?”
“Planta 3�, puta 8”.
“�Y alguna por 500?”
“Planta baja, �puta calle!”
Q. What makes men chase women they have no…
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Different Color Lipsticks
Tell yo mama to stop wearing different color lipsticks–my dick
is starting to look like a rainbow.
Kidney
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure
enough, out popped a genie. “I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie.
“But there is a catch.” “What catch?” the man asked. The genie replied, “Every
time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you
were granted.” “Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a
Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now every lawyer in the
world has TWO Ferraris,” said the genie. “Next wish?” “I’d love a million
dollars,” replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now
every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars,” said the genie. “Well,
that’s okay, as long as I’ve got my million,” replied the man. “What is your
third and final wish?” The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well,
you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney!”