You’re a redneck if …. You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.
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Cant Stubble.
Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cant Stubble.
War Without France
What do you call a war without France?
World War 2
Who farted.
4 gay guys were sitting in a spa pool. suddenly a blub of semen floated to the surface of the spa pool..
one gay guy ” who farted”?
Two Itallians on a bus
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
The tart
What do you call a prozzy with her hands down her pants????
Self employed
You might be a Republican if…
You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”.
“Querido director, quiero hacerle una
“Querido director, quiero hacerle una pregunta”, manifiesta Pepito
“Adelante, Pepito”
“�Si usted se muriera, en que animal le gustar�a renacer?”
“Mmmm, pienso que tal vez en perro…”
“No, maestro, no se vale repetir”.
Deeper
There was a boy named Deeper. He was in kindergarden.One day at school,he told the teacher that he had to use the bathroom.Thee teacher said that he could go.He told the teacher to come with him. She said no.Deeper told her I’ll tell mommy and mommy will tell daddy and daddy will tell the principal and you’ll get fired.So the teacher went with him.Deeper told her to go in the stall with him and take her clothes off.She said no.Deeper said I’ll tell mommy and mommy will tell daddy and daddy will tell the principal and you’ll get fired.So the teacher did it.Deeper told her to lay down.She said no.Deeper said I’ll tell mommy and mommy will tell daddy and daddy will tell the principal and you’ll get fired.So she layed down.Deeper took his clothes off and layrd down on top of her.He put his penis in her vaginia.The teacher started yelling Deeper, Deeper!He said I’m tryig, I’m trying!
Courses for Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
25. Sex – It’s For Married Couples Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
31. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
33. “Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?” – Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Then there was the
Then there was the psychology professor, a Yankee’s Yankee and a
feminist’s feminist, who tells the following story about herself to illustrate
that doctorates don’t necessarily make you smart.
She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio.
It was about 10 am, and she’d been driving the entire preceding day and night
herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched
for a motel in which to crash.
A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser,
swaggered up to her driver’s window, bent down, and drawled, “Lookie here,
darlin’,”–uh oh, everybody duck–“Lookie here, darlin’, nobody blows
through Georgia that fast.”
Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: “Sherman did.”
She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket;
he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and
wait at the police station until three in the afternoon for a circuit judge
to arrive so that he could explain to her why it wasn’t the best idea in
the world to be impolite to policemen, who were after all interested only
in creating the safest possible environment for everybody including her,
etc. etc. The lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which
she was released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her
search for someplace to crash.
Santa’s Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, “You
need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend said, “I’m already in
the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t
see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in
the Secret Service.”