Author: admin

Your dad’s bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a
helicopter landing pad.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see I’m a chirpractor and I could just see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I’m a lawyer. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?”

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”She asks, “How do I do it without surgery?”Her husband answers, “Just rub toilet paper between them.””How does that make them bigger?”, she asks.”I don’t know, but it certainly worked for your ass.”

Q: Are you going out dressed like that?

A: No, I’m going to strip before I get to the door.
A: Yes, all my geeky clothes are in the wash.
A: Are you staying in dressed like THAT?
A: I have too. It’s a law.
A: Yes, unless you like what I’m wearing.

Q: Did you get a haircut?

A: No, I got them all cut.
A: No, I put my hair in the dryer and it shrank.
A: I had too. It was starting to look like YOU!
A: No, I had my head enlarged.
A: No, it’s a tonsorial illusion.

Q: Is that a new shirt?

A: No, I got a new chest.
A: It was when I bought it.
A: No, these are pants, I just wear them funny.
A: It better be, or I’m never shopping at that store again!
A: Yes. Some of us can afford new clothes.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent